Mature couple’s marriage lost its spark years ago

Dear Abby: I have been married to “Ed” for 15 years. We are seniors, but he is 17 years older than I am. I have three grown children from a previous marriage. I think my husband is gay but never came out of the closet. He watches gay porn and confessed to me he had a fantasy about another man. For the last 10 years, he has refused to have sex and is always making excuses (“I’m old,” “I’m tired,” “Tomorrow”).

I crave love and intimacy. Ed is cold, distant and a loner. He refuses to travel or do anything fun. He’s well-off financially, never had kids and is a good provider. However, that is all he does. I want to leave him, but I feel guilty because of his age and because he has been a responsible provider. I love him as a person, but not as a husband. — Depressed

And Stuck In Pennsylvania Dear D & S: There is more to marriage than sex. There should be communication, affection, mutual respect, understanding and compassion. From what you have written, you have none of those.

Address this with Ed before you freeze to death. Ask him if marriage counseling would help him to better understand your needs. If he refuses, and all you get out of this marriage is access to his money, make an appointment with an attorney to discuss what your rights may be in the “equitable distribution” state of Pennsylvania after a 15-year marriage. That will give you a better idea of what to do.

Dear Abby: When I was in middle school, my mother made many poor decisions that culminated in her incarceration and an unpleasant boyfriend. Now that I have kids of my own, I feel I have more perspective on my mother’s choices — and it’s not a flattering picture.

After her release, she didn’t show up for any big milestones in my or my siblings’ lives. Hearing about the poor decisions she keeps making gets me so upset that a phone call leaves me reeling for days, if not weeks. I’ve reached the point where I can no longer maintain a relationship with her, so I’ve gone radio silent.

She has been reaching out for months, apologizing and begging for contact. When I get those messages, my heart drops. I know how painful it is when someone walks away, especially a family member. But I can’t listen to her anymore. How can I express this to her? I want to handle this with grace, but I just want to cry. — Silent Daughter In South Carolina

Dear Daughter: The “graceful” way to deal with your mother would be to end the radio silence and tell her the truth. Explain that she has missed all the big milestones in your life, and you are unable to deal with the mess she has made of hers. This is why you prefer she no longer call. You can’t fix her, and she can’t change the past. Your mental health is important, and it’s all right to move on.