Woman encounters karma at church

Dear Amy: Weekly, at church, I have encountered comments like: “WHAT is wrong with your chin? (Two inflamed spots.) Or this comment after a full-body appraisal: “So WHAT are you wearing today? Hmm, the way you dress — you’re such a hippy girl!”

Amy, I am freaking 62 years old and have been going to this church for 20 years. I wish to find solidarity in my women friends, but instead we pick on each other in petty ways.

Confession: I used to do this, too, but now I only make complimentary comments. — Sad in Sacramento Dear Sad: You confess that you used to talk in this openly judgmental way to other women. This is your penance. It is called: “We reap what we sow.”

It’s time for all of you to become more intimately connected with the Golden Rule.

Dear Amy: I’ve been friends with “Jean” for decades. Her son got married this summer at a location more than 300 miles away. The couple rented a summer camp with several cabins for guests to stay in. I opted not to stay there. About three days before the wedding, I asked if there was going to be a rehearsal dinner. Jean said yes, but because I opted not to stay at the camp, I was not included.

I said, “I’m hurt by this. Could we talk about it?” She got mad and told me that it was too late to talk about it. I apologized profusely. I thought we were OK. About three weeks later, I got an email telling me how hurt she was, and how she’s always been afraid to speak her mind to me, because she’s afraid of my anger.

She brought up an occasion decades ago when she claims I yelled at her in front of her son, which I could not remember. She says now that what happened between us before the wedding is “done” — but it’s not done for me. I want to have my feelings recognized too. Don’t friends owe each other a candid conversation? — Upset Friend Dear Upset: You are not owed an apology. You rudely insinuated that your friend had an obligation to invite you to her son’s rehearsal dinner (she didn’t), and when she was honest in her reaction and also later in her description and her feelings about your dynamic, you blamed her for that, too. You’ve already had your candid conversation.