In-laws too self-focused to notice pregnancy

Dear Amy: My husband and I are really frustrated with his father and his father’s second wife. We have been trying for almost a decade to connect and make getting together more bearable.

Amy, they just refuse to engage with us! My husband has explained his job every visit for the last two years because they don’t listen to his response. They never ask about me. They talk about themselves constantly, interrupt you when you talk and basically talk over other people.

My husband and I recently told them that we are expecting a baby. Not only did they not ask how I was doing with the pregnancy, but 10 minutes later his wife was talking about her health problems.

I feel like we are at an impasse. I can’t stand to be treated like I don’t matter, and I don’t want to force myself to be around people who aren’t supportive. My husband is feeling angry with their behavior.

Should I just go to family events a few times a year and suck it up, or should my husband and I try again to explain that their relationship with us is falling apart because of their behavior? — Try, Try, Again?

Dear Try, Try: Yes, you might as well convey to your in-laws the way you feel when you are with them. Doing so might make you feel better, but you must also understand that it is not likely to inspire change.

These future grandparents will miss out on a lot. Yes, show up at family events a few times a year and tolerate the behavior. Reward familyfocused and generous behavior with the quality of your own attention.

Dear Amy: Parents describing themselves as “Put Upon” wrote to you about their daughter and sonin-law’s financial dependence on them.

They reminded me of myself — only I identified with the son-inlaw.

Is it possible that the son-in-law has been so overwhelmed by his wife’s financially-controlling parents that he is practicing passiveaggressive behavior?

When I finally and passionately laid all this out for them, they said they “only did what they thought best.”

Maybe these parents should back off. — Been There

Dear Been There: Very wise advice.