Mom worries dysfunction will follow kids
Dear Amy: My husband and I have two amazing teenage daughters.
They are mature, intelligent, and conscientious.
I’m very proud of them and look forward to seeing what they do in their lives, but this is also where my fear lies.
They have grown up witnessing an unhealthy codependent relationship between their father and me.
Although we are currently working toward a healthy solution, I fear that some of the damage has already been done.
Our daughters were never in danger and as parents we always tried to prioritize their needs over our own, but I see some of my notso-admirable traits of low selfesteem and hints of his addictive behavior in them as well.
I’m afraid they will make the same mistakes and choose habits and/or relationships.
What advice can you give to help them recognize and avoid this? I certainly hope these apples fall far from this tree. — Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned: You don’t outline the specific nature of the dynamic in your household, but I would venture a guess that some of the traits you mention might be hardwired for your daughters, while others are situational and learned behavior (based on the dynamic they absorbed).
It is important and useful to be as honest as possible with your teen daughters regarding your own mistakes, failings, and frailties, but when it comes to parenting, “Do as we say, not as we do” has a very limited utility.
If you and/or your husband are struggling with an addiction, it is vital that your daughters receive responsible information and support. Introduce them to a “friends and family” peer support group, like Alateen (Alanon.org).
I think it is also important that you seek professional help on your own. The message should be, “I’ve sought help for my problems; I’m working my program, and it is helping.” Do not hide or stigmatize the role of therapy or support groups; these are lifelines.
In addition to all of this talking, it is also vital that you listen. Your daughters need to know that they can be honest with you and that you will listen with compassion and do your best to support them when they need it.