Reconciled couple struggles in relationship

Dear Amy: I got back together with a girlfriend after being separated for 14 years. During that time, we kept in contact, and both often wondered ifwe called it quits too soon.

Nowwe are back together, obviously different people from those first years together, and this has caused some heated arguments, disagreements, many misunderstandings, and more.

Her communication style is blunt, straightforward, unapologetic, and can be perceived as mean. My communication style is the exact opposite. We have only been living together for two months.

I am unsure of where to go from here. I love her deeply and I know she loves me. I truly want us to work out, but I have to admit that I wonder ifwe are wasting our time trying to rekindle a flame that has burned out.

Iwould consider therapy. I don’t want to share my problems with family or friends for fear of judgments.

What would you suggest?— Unsure

Dear Unsure: If you are open to couples counseling, then absolutely try it.

Different communication styles can cause smaller rifts to deepen, but once you learn to communicate more effectively with each other, intimacy will definitely deepen.

Does your girlfriend want to communicate differently? Does she want to engage by listening, even if she doesn’t agree with what you are saying? Can you learn to accept her bluntness, as long as it isn’t sarcastic or mean-spirited? Are you both willing to change your minds? What is the personal “cost” to both of you for staying in this relationship?

These are all questions to take to a counselor. Start as soon as you can, while your insights and desire to change are still fresh.

Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com) offers a helpful database of therapists, organized by specialties and geographical location, although location is no longer a deal breaker, because so many therapists will work with clients remotely.

For some insight into how one therapist works, I highly recommend the documentary series, “Couples Therapy,” currently streaming on Amazon Prime.