Alcoholic wants support to regain sobriety

Dear Amy: I’m an alcoholic. Three years ago, my husband gave me an ultimatum: Either get sober, or I will divorce you.

I got sober and it lasted six months. I’ve been drinking but I’ve hid it very well. He has no idea.

I’ve come to a point where I truly want to get sober again, but I don’t think I can do it without his help.

How do I tell him I’ve betrayed him for so long and then ask him to forgive me for it and stand by me in quitting drinking again? — Still Drinking

Dear Drinking: Your husband has already supported your sobriety by delivering a clear boundary and consequence — and that seems to have worked for a time.

But being shocked into sobriety to save your marriage might not be sufficiently compelling to stay sober. Your sobriety should be about you making a choice every single day to commit to your own health and well-being. You are not getting sober for him, but to experience the fullness of your life.

Relapse is extremely common, and it doesn’t mean that you have failed — but that your sobriety will be a lifelong commitment.

Honesty and transparency should be part of your recovery.

You should participate in support meetings, and seek the advice of an addiction specialist.

I don’t believe you should frame this as, “I’ve betrayed you,” but more as, “I’ve relapsed, and I want to get sober again. I’m attending meetings and seeking outside help and support, but I hope you will choose to hold my hand and walk with me.”

You might not be hiding your drinking as well as you think. Your husband might be wisely waiting for you to arrive at this choice.

Dear Amy: “Conflicted” wrote seeking guidance on how to pick college courses, was interested in both engineering and marine biology, and was curious about sticking to courses that were interesting or others that were out of the comfort zone.

I’ve been involved in college and higher education for over 30 years as a professor and researcher.

I agree with the “start broad” advice you gave, but I emphasize the need to follow your heart and passion.

In all fields, you will face challenges and have opportunities that will stretch you intellectually and emotionally, and having a deep caring for the subject will be what sustains and energizes you not only through college — but beyond. — Rick Murray, deputy director and VP for Science and Engineering, Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution

Dear Rick: Thank you for offering your wise insight.