A loving husband rejects unhelpful ‘help’
Dear Amy: I often read your column aloud to my disabled wife, who is terminally ill with a relatively rare frontotemporal dementia. She is nearing the final stage of the disease.
We are fortunate to have friends and family who are very solicitous toward her. I don’t know what we’d do without the emotional support and the acts of kindness we receive daily.
But what do I say to those (Evangelical Christian) friends who are determined to save her with assurances God will heal her from this disease?
A friend insisted I talk to one of her church’s practitioners about the possibility of working a healing through Bible study and prayer.
Days later, while I was away, the caregiver I hired to stay with my wife (a woman we’ve known for 20 years) spent her time with my wife reading from the Bible, praying and assuring her that Jesus would make her whole if she believed hard enough.
My wife and I are practicing Christians, actively involved in our church, and we receive care and visits through our church’s ministry, and also from the hospice agency’s chaplain.
We’ve been upfront with friends about the nature and outcome of my wife’s illness. We accept the fact there is no recovery from this, and it’s hurtful that people apparently lack sensitivity to our circumstances and feel such a strong further need to “help.” Any wisdom? — Faithful Husband Dear Faithful: I am sorry this is happening, and I want to affirm your acceptance of the loving kindness and support offered by your friends and your church community. (And thank you so much for sharing my column with your wife.)
You should push back firmly against any “help” which runs counter to your faith practice, or which simply makes you uncomfortable. This is your life, your home, and a shared and bittersweet journey you are taking with your wife.
Anyone who “insists” that you do any particular thing should receive a clear and firm answer from you: “That would not be helpful, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t pressure me.”
You should be honest with the person you hired to be in your home. I don’t know where you fall in terms of reading the Bible aloud, but her choice to browbeat your wife is unkind. You should tell her, “I am upset about you pressuring my wife about her faith at this time in her life. This makes things harder for both of us.” Don’t hire her again.
Your caretaking should extend to continuing to affirm your wife’s (and your) lifelong values. This is one more way in which you will continue to demonstrate your love for her.