Nothing good can come from that ‘thanks for nothing’ note

Dear Miss Manners: I am aware that you strongly advise people not to respond to rude behavior or bad manners in a similar way. How, though, can you express in a polite manner that the guilty party’s behavior is not acceptable?

Permit me to explain my situation. I am an unemployed librarian. I have applied for many jobs, and the applications are submitted online. Last week I received a rejection email from a college. I had applied for the job six months ago!

I wanted to reply, “I think I gathered that,” but I didn’t. Some institutions wait months before they announce their hiring decisions, and some libraries treat the issue rather casually. People’s lives are in limbo as they wait for decisions.

Is there a polite, but strong, rebuke, to people who wait months on end to let someone know that he did not get the job?

Gentle reader: The polite ways to register offense are generally nonverbal, because they are meant to be subtle: a haughty look, a cold tone, a raised eyebrow.

Emails, which are devoid of context — and which are often written and read quickly — can barely convey simple messages without a risk of being misunderstood.

The polite way to convey your meaning is to be direct: “I am naturally disappointed that you did not choose me for the position, but I am sure there were many qualified candidates. It would have been gracious if you could have conveyed the news in a more timely fashion.”

However, Miss Manners seriously questions the wisdom of doing so. Your criticism is likely to be dismissed as coming from a sore loser, and it is no good annoying someone who might be thinking of you as the runner-up if the first candidate fails.

Is there proper procedure for an heirloom engagement ring that’s left to a young lady?

I have my late grandmother’s ring, which I really love, but I feel funny wearing it because I’m not engaged. If I decide to get engaged and married in the future, would I give my beau the ring to then give to me? If a gentleman is moved to give me a ring, I don’t want to argue with that, but I already have this ring that could do the job perfectly and would have even more sentimental charm.

It all seems a bit awkward, like telling someone exactly what to give me as a present before the thought even occurred to them. Should I just keep it to myself ?

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: Your problem is one of timing. Few gentlemen, in Miss Manner’s experience, can resist the charm of a doting fiancee who makes them the beneficent hero of the story for his superior tact and understanding — while simultaneously saving him substantial expense.

The problem is how to accomplish this without the less-charming necessity of telling him it is past time to propose. Ideally, he will be moved to initiate a pre-proposal — and pre-ring-purchase — discussion of his hopes for the future. But whoever begins that conversation, what you wish to convey is that, when you do get married, all you want is a simple band, because you already have a family ring.

Dear Miss Manners: I was thrilled to welcome a visit from my stepson and his family, who live across the country and whom I seldom see.

On more than one occasion during this visit, I’d be chatting with my daughter-in-law in the front seat of the car when a loud order to “STOP” would come from the back seat. Apparently the oldest granddaughter (age 9) didn’t like the subject of our conversations.

Her mother simply stopped talking without issuing an objection. I was shocked by this rude behavior and lack of parental response. I was tempted to respond with a gentle correction for the pair, but I remained quiet for fear of alienating both. Do you have a better idea?

As a step-grandmother, you do have limited authority to police the child — as long as you do not do so directly through her mother.

“Please don’t frighten me like that, Addison. I almost caused an accident because I thought you meant for me to stop the car.” (“Car” can be easily replaced with any other relevant circumstance: “walk,” “lunch,” etc.)

You may then follow up with her mother by saying, “She scares me with those abrupt declarations. Doesn’t it scare you?”

Gentle reader: