Are you sure you’re actually dating this church friend?

Dear Miss Manners: I have been dating a widower from my church for more than four years. But when he comes to church, he acts like he does not know me.

Our church has a lunch program every Sunday, and he hasn’t sat with me and eaten with me. When he goes on vacation, it’s usually with his three kids, their spouses and his five grandkids. They have been to China, France, Germany, Iceland, Canada and Mexico.

Every holiday, he spends with his family. He also says he does not celebrate his birthday, so he does not even know mine.

When I say, “I would be happy to receive fresh flowers,” his response is, “My wife never asked for anything like that.”

He does not introduce me to anybody and he likes to keep me as a secret friend.

How should I handle this cheap, stubborn, self-centered person? Now I just talk to him occasionally on the phone, with no more intimacy.

He has said in the past that he wants to be my friend, but he has no plans for a future with me and he is not looking for marriage.

Gentle reader: Yes, he has made that quite clear. Miss Manners recommends that you continue disassociating with him.

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a polite way to tell a co-worker that you do not want them to use a microwave that you personally bought?

There is a communal microwave in our teachers’ lounge that anyone is welcome to use. I work in an area that is separate from the main building, so I bought a microwave that I use there daily.

This co-worker is new to our school and teaches in an adjoining classroom. Simply put, she is loud, pushy, obnoxious, and talks incessantly.

I actually gave her my old microwave when I got the new one so I wouldn’t have to deal with her, but it stopped working a couple of days ago. She has already asked to use mine; I fear this will become a few-times-a-day habit.

She could well afford to buy her own small microwave, or she could use the one in the main building. How do I nip this in the bud without starting a whole thing?

Gentle reader: Although there is technically nothing rude about refusing use of your personal microwave, Miss Manners agrees that it will have to be delivered with care if it is not to become a point of contention.

If you surprise your co-worker by both apologizing to her and insulting yourself, it will give you time for a quick getaway: “I’m so sorry, but I’m weirdly fussy about my microwave, which is why I bought my own so I don’t have to use the communal one.”

Dear Miss Manners: After surgery for a cancerous tumor and six months of chemotherapy, I lost all the hair on my entire body. I am grateful that I am alive, but I am struggling with comments regarding my hair.

My hair was one of my best features. It was a beautiful color and texture, and I received compliments often.

Now, I don’t know what to say when people comment on my very short hair.

I have a wig, but it’s tedious to make sure it’s on correctly, and is very uncomfortable on hot days.

I know my hair will grow back and that a good stylist can restore it to its former beauty, but in the meantime, the questions and comments sting. I don’t know how to respond.

Gentle reader: “I had something done” — leaving it purposely ambiguous whether it was for health or aesthetic reasons.

Sadly, suggesting that it was a fashion choice will likely garner less follow-up than the more personal question of your health. But perhaps Miss Manners may be underestimating human nosiness even in that.

Dear Miss Manners: I attended a late-afternoon lecture, in a stuffy room, on a topic that wasn’t as interesting as I had hoped. Unfortunately, I nodded off once or twice.

I didn’t know what to do: stay and risk nodding off again, or leave and risk catching everyone’s attention and disrupting the speaker?

I really didn’t want to do either, but it was a really boring lecture.

Gentle reader: Unfair as it may seem, visibly sleeping through a lecture is rude. Your choice is therefore to excuse yourself or to learn how to sleep without getting caught.