Set boundaries with in-laws on toy guns for young son

Dear Miss Manners: My husband is former military, and the men in his family are avid hunters. I am comfortable with our son’s eventual exposure to real guns, including his being trained in safe gun handling when he is older: It is part of my husband’s family’s culture.

My husband and I agree, however, that toy guns are inappropriate for young children. We know that kids will play pretend however they want to, and our son will be exposed to toy guns outside of our house, but we’d really like to discourage family from giving him these toys — if not forever, then at least until he is much older.

Is there a polite way to inform family members that we do not want our 3-year-old son to receive toy guns as gifts? If not, what should our son’s thank-you note say — “Thank you for the plastic Uzi machine gun that I will never see again”?

Or does he thank his relatives for the Billy the Kid replica revolver, then inform them that Mama and Daddy have put it away until he is old enough to play with it, while I hope they get the hint? I don’t want to embarrass or alienate my in-laws either way.

Gentle reader: Family can be informed of your ground rules, but Miss Manners agrees that it is best to have a backup plan. If you do indeed intercept a toy gun given to your son, two things must happen: Someone needs to thank the givers — even though they stepped out of bounds; and someone needs to tell them that the present did not reach its intended target.

That should be done not by Little Liam, but by you, who can write that you know how much he is going to look forward to playing with it when he is older. This will make your point — forcefully, as the giver will realize that Liam thinks his birthday was ignored. Please remember that, and be gentle with the givers when they remonstrate. It is good practice for any parent.

Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I had a couple over for dinner — longtime friends of ours. I prepared filet mignon and served one to each person. As always, we enjoyed their company and our shared meal. The woman of the couple did not completely finish her filet mignon, which I understand. However, after she finished eating, she said “Oh, Fido is going to enjoy this.”

I am still irritated, for these reasons: 1. By inviting them to dinner, we implicitly agreed to feed them, not their dog. 2. A statement like, “This steak was very good, but I cannot eat it all; is it OK if I take it home for lunch tomorrow?” would have been acceptable. 3. My wife and I have our own dog, who would have enjoyed the leftover steak.

My wife does not condone my reasons for finding our guest’s statement irritating. She believes that once the food is on a guest’s plate, it is the guest’s to do with as he or she wishes. Who has dibs on leftover steak? Does the concept of a “doggy bag” exist outside of restaurants?

Gentle reader: Yes, it exists as a euphemism. Apparently,

you would feel better knowing that the lady planned to eat it herself, which may well have been the case. That is the understanding at restaurants, where the food has been bought by the customer.

But after the holiday season, where fighting over leftovers seems to have become a major social sport, Miss Manners refuses to continue with issues concerning food left on individual plates. Please consider that having specifically given this food to your guest, you have no further interest in its destination.

Dear Miss Manners: My partner of six years basically let my outdoor cats make themselves comfortable inside. We live in a warm, dryish climate, so they were happy being outside cats. I would feed them outside.

Now he is feeding them inside and letting them sleep on the chairs all day. I am fed up with all the cleanup. When I suggest he do it, he just doesn’t. He loves the cats, but won’t take the cleaning responsibility. What can I do?

Gentle reader: What about putting him outside? Because if he is sharing your living space, then it is certainly reasonable that he participate in its upkeep.

Miss Manners recommends that you either tell him that your system was working and you plan to return to it — or to start cleaning up cat hair. Perhaps you can get him a lint brush and vacuum.