Expressing sympathy does not need to be complicated

Dear Miss Manners: When my son (now a young adult) was a young teenager, he met a very prominent musician. He was quite kind to my son, and inadvertently helped set his path to being a professional musician. My son wrote to him shortly after the meeting, thanking him for his time and kind words.

The musician has now died, and I want to send a condolence note to his widow — who had helped arrange the long-ago meeting — to express my sadness at his death and to thank her for the consideration they both gave to a young person to whom they owed nothing and from whom they could gain nothing. What they did was charming, gracious and generous, and we have not forgotten it in all these years.

I’m wondering about the appropriateness of using black-bordered stationery for the note. I have read that the border denotes the writer’s, not the recipient’s, mourning. Is it appropriate to use it in this instance, since I am sorry that the musician has died?

Obviously, I am not a primary mourner, since I was not a family member or close friend, but I want to be respectful. I am not sure if black-bordered stationery is over the top in this case.

Gentle reader: When mourning customs were observed, there were specific rules about which ones applied to which mourners, and for how long. There were elaborate codes depending on the relationship to the deceased: One would mourn years for a spouse, but mere months for a distant relative — or forever, in the case of Queen Victoria mourning Prince Albert. These codes applied not only to clothes, but to jewelry, handkerchiefs, wreaths on the door, and straw deadening the noise from the streets.

The system got so complicated that people simply dropped it. In Miss Manners’ opinion, it should just have been simplified, because those symbols served as useful warnings about the state of the bereaved — presumably preventing busybodies from telling them that they had grieved long enough and must start dating or having more children.

She doubts that the survivors here are using black-bordered paper, and would be surprised if you could even find any. But you need not try. Using it would be the written equivalent of showing up at the funeral covered in black veils.

What would be of comfort to the widow is a heartfelt letter testifying to her late husband’s kindness and expressing your last appreciation. Surely your son will also write such a letter.

My neighbor, whom I have known for a few years, called to offer me a ticket she had purchased to an event that she could no longer attend due to a conflict in her schedule. I gladly accepted and was looking forward to attending. I asked her if she wanted me to reimburse her, and she said no, that she was giving it to me.

On the day of the event, she called to tell me she would be keeping her

Dear Miss Manners:

ticket, as her conflict had been resolved. She kept saying that she was sorry for the confusion, but as she was now able to attend, she was keeping her ticket.

I just told her to enjoy herself and that I understood, and got off the phone. Personally, I am not feeling good about the turn of events. It has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Gentle reader: Understandably. Giving a gift and then demanding it back requires a great deal of apology, as it ought not to be done.

And your neighbor did not even do that. She apologized for nonexistent confusion, implying — with neither grace nor truth — that there was shared blame. Although Miss Manners is not one to pick fights, she will not be volunteering to look after this neighbor’s plants or collect her mail anytime soon.

We have a friend who has taken to dropping by unannounced. In one day, he stopped by three times and drove by four additional times.

In addition, one day I was lying down in my room behind a closed door. He used the bathroom across the hall and then barged into my room without knocking.

I don’t want to be rude, but I’m at my wits’ end with this guy. How can I handle this gracefully?

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: Have you thought of locking your front door?

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.