Use of ‘Esquire’ makes little sense nowadays — for anyone

Dear Miss Manners: I am a lawyer of some age, having had a license for more than 40 years. I often have to address written communications to female colleagues. When I began practicing, it was observed that the title “Esq.” was exclusively for male lawyers, no females having been squires. In letters, females were addressed as “Atty.” Those who inquired were told that the female version of “Esq.” was “Good Wife.”

Now, my habit of referring to women as “Atty.” has come under fire, notably when I upbraided a woman for listing herself with the honorific “Esq.”

The dictionaries now state that it is a unisex term. I’m not so sure. What does Miss Manners think about using the term “Esq.” after a woman lawyer’s name?

Gentle reader: That it is no sillier than using it after the names of male lawyers. You aren’t squires, either — hereditary country landowners or medieval attendants on knights.

Presumably, the custom of using this was adopted to assert that lawyers were gentlemen, as they were not always thought to be among those who rated gentlemanliness by birth. But it has always struck Miss Manners as odd in a country where we never thought an honest, working professional needed to proclaim “gentle” status.

Why you would want to provoke your colleagues by upbraiding them and suggesting the obsolete term “Good Wife” (which referred to a manager, such as a landlady), Miss Manners cannot imagine. If she were your lawyer, she would advise you to stop this right now, before you get into serious trouble.

Dear Miss Manners: We have a close friend who is really one of the nicest people you’d ever want to meet. His family and ours often get together for dinners at each other’s homes, restaurants, etc.

The problem, which causes some of us a bit of embarrassment, is that his “dress” is always shorts and a T-shirt. Dinners with guests beyond our group, holiday meals, outings at nice restaurants (including some that in past years would not have let him in dressed that way) — the same shorts and T-shirt.

In all other respects, he is a kind, friendly, wonderful, outgoing person. Is there any way that you can suggest to politely address this with him?

Gentle reader: “There’s a dress code: long pants and sleeved shirts. I hope you don’t mind.”

That people do mind, vehemently, has always puzzled Miss Manners. Everyone claims to dress only for comfort or selfexpression, but at the same time, everyone is using clothing choice as a way of sizing up others.

Your friend may well mind, claiming that you don’t value him for his real self (which you obviously do). You will have to decide whether it is worthwhile to explain to him that clothing is a visible symbolic system, and that not conforming to basic standards is interpreted as a lack of respect.

Or you can just stop being embarrassed for him. You are not responsible for his choices.

Dear Miss Manners: I suffered an injury that resulted in the necessity of several surgeries and a large cast on my hand for a period of several months (and counting). Since my accident, I have not left the house a single time without at least one person asking me what happened. I find it very rude and invasive, and why would strangers want to know my medical history, anyway?

I usually respond with a terse “I had an accident” or “I injured my hand” and leave it at that. But some people continue to press for specifics. I am at a loss as to how to respond to their rude question without resorting to rudeness myself. “None of your business. Quit being nosy” is what I feel like saying. Can Miss Manners please help me come up with a better response?

Gentle reader: Just as you need not satisfy their curiosity at the expense of your own privacy, you are under no obligation to provide such people with variety. “I injured my hand” can be repeated, without rancor or even inflection, as many times as even the nosiest person can ask.

Dear Miss Manners: Do you bring a girlfriend of only three months to a wedding?

Gentle reader: Only if she made an indelible impression on the hosts and was invited. Or if the invitation reads “plus one,” in which case Miss Manners is afraid those hosts get what they deserve.