Man has bitter homecoming
Dear Amy: I am a 42-year-old man who recently returned to my home city after living in another city for almost 15 years.
I have wanted to be back home to be with my family and boyfriend. I thought I would be happy, but I am not. I returned home to family squabbles between my sister and brother, and I am always in the middle. My dad seems to be very unhappy with me but won’t speak about it.
My extended family has shown me unconditional love, and I’m so grateful, but I feel like something is missing from what I expected this move home would be like. I know I am in transition, but I am finding it very difficult at the moment. A small part of me wants to move away.
I don’t want to disappear but it feels as if that is my only choice.
Dear Unhappy: You have correctly identified this period as “transitional,” and the cardinal rule during a transition is not to make any sudden moves.
When you returned home and reentered your family system, you threw it off balance. People are acting out and blaming you because it’s easiest. And your own expectations of how wonderful things would be might be disproportional.
Your family members might not be doing this on purpose, but your reaction should be intentional. The way to avoid being in the middle of your sibling squabbles is to recognize when it is happening
Dear Amy: “Sick of Wedding Excess” stated her complete disdain for her niece’s wedding and then proceeded to give the couple a gift I suspect she knew they wouldn’t want.
Your answer was priceless. Thanking her would have spared everyone the sound of her self-righteous whining about their over-the-top wedding.
Dear Fan: The question was about expressing gratitude. And the answer to that question is always yes. and deliberately say, “This doesn’t have anything to do with me; you guys need to work it out.”
Your father isn’t using his words, but you can. Ask him what’s on his mind.
You will feel better when you are more in control of your reactions. Trust that all of you will continue to adjust.