Parent advice
I’d definitely steer clear of the shaming; the lad’s going to be embarrassed enough getting caught. Without getting too stern about it, I’d explain that some porn is pretty messed up and some of it is highly illegal, and that scouring Internet porn sites is a great way to get your identity stolen and/or your computer fried. And that curiosity is normal but online pornsurfing is now officially verboten. And that no matter how little he thinks of Dad’s computer skills, I will be able to find out if he’s trolling online, no matter how well he covers his tracks.
Porn is one of many things that kids are going to experiment with, and by the time they do, they know it’s wrong. The moment you walk in on him is going to be one he’ll remember, so maybe take a breath for both of you, tell him to shut it off and you’ll talk about it later. Give him time to recover. Use the time to think of how you’ll tell him that being curious is normal, but now that he’s seen it, he’s done with it as far as you’re concerned. Hopefully by this time you’ve talked a little about sex being a positive thing when it’s appropriate, and you can put porn in perspective for him based on the values you hopefully share. Say why you think it’s bad for him, what the larger issue is, etc. If you’re tongue-tied on the subject, this would be a good opportunity for you to shop around for an eloquent and convincing argument in a book and bring up the subject when you’re better armed. There are a few good books for kids on the subject of sex, so if you chicken out, leaving one bookmarked on his shelf one day wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Expert advice
A middle-school kid having sexual feelings and curiosities is totally normal, both developmentally and culturally. Nothing alarming there.
A middle-school kid turning to porn to teach him what to do with those feelings and curiosities? More than a little alarming.
“Learning about sex from porn is pretty ominous,” says Harvard psychologist John T. Chirban, author of “Howto Talk With Your Kids About Sex: Help Your Children Develop a Positive, Healthy Attitude Toward Sex and Relationships” (Thomas Nelson). “They’re looking at sexuality devoid of intimacy and devoid of love. Parents need to help their children connect sex with intimacy and love. If they’re learning about sex in this purely mechanical, physical perspective that’s just about fantasies, it removes them from the ability to have social and relational and loving skills.”
Different families will have very different value systems about sex, but it’s universally important to let your kids know what yours are.
“Talk about what’s OKand what’s not OKand what we do with our sexual feelings,” says Chirban. “Talk about it in a normal way so you can help your child form and shape their sexual identity rather than having it shaped by someone else.
“You don’t want to sound as though all sex is bad or all that’s out there about it is dangerous porn,” he says. “Give them the tools so they understand that people who are airbrushed and sexually exploited are not the standards they want to live up to. Explain what a distorted notion that is.”
And difficult as it may seem, try to view this new discovery as a teaching moment.
“Turn a moment that seems really disturbing into a positive learning experience,” he says. “This is an opportunity to impart meaningful parenting material where you’re empowering your child and giving them tools for life.”