Sister wants to include ex

Dear Amy: My sister, who is in her 50s, finally separated from her husband of 35-plus years. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to her, both privately and publicly.

Not long after they separated, he had lifesaving surgery, and she was with him all the way. My siblings, our parents and I all visited him in the hospital and rehab. We can all understand her feeling somewhat guilty and responsible. However, since then nothing much else seems to have changed. He’s at her apartment, and she is at his quite frequently.

He has a brother locally he is close with and a sister who lives nearby. My sister expects our family to continue to invite him to family gatherings — Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc. — just like we did when they lived together.

If we do not invite him, she says she will not attend. He can be charming at times but also rude and disrespectful to our family.

I asked her recently what being separated means to her. She replied that it means she can’t live with him. She talks as though not including him would be ungenerous.

I feel like I’m being held hostage to this relationship. What can we do?

Dear Frustrated: Your sister is more concerned about her abusive husband’s comfort than yours. That’s something to keep in mind as you move forward.

Now that these two are separated and your sister has a home of her own, you no longer need to treat them as a constant family unit. The generous thing to do is to give him an opportunity to behave well, along with a crystal-clear heads-up about how things are going to go from now on.

Let’s say you are going to host this year’s Thanksgiving dinner. You contact him separately in advance and say, “Steve, we’ve tolerated years of abuse, disrespect and other nonsense from you. We had to because you were married to my sister. But from now on you should be on your best behavior while at my home. If you behave in any way I find objectionable, I will ask you to leave.”

If he behaves badly, you ask him to leave, and if your sister insists on going with him, you should simply tell her, “Do whatever you want to do. I completely understand.”