Reasons or excuses?
Still, those who are reluctant to venture into online dating cite myriad reasons.
Some think it’s personally invasive; after all, you’re putting out your image, personal hobbies and future dreams for others to see and judge. Some are scared off by others’ bad experiences. Others are nervous that the stranger typing missives to them could be a “crazy person,” said Christie Hartman, a Denver-based behavioral scientist and author of “Find the Love of Your Life Online” (Press).
And many singles just want to meet someone the old-fashioned way: in person.
Fredric Neuman, director of the Anxiety & Phobia Treatment Center at White Plains Hospital in White Plains, N.Y., has heard all the reasons. Many people, he said, would feel OK telling a friend they wanted to date, but broadcasting it to the world is another story.
“It smacks of desperation in their minds,” he said.
Julia, a divorced mom over 40 in Pennsylvania, said she would consider online dating but hasn’t found a site she fits into. She isn’t attracted to the niche sites, and many seem targeted to younger people.
According to Pew data, most online daters are in their mid-20s to mid-40s.
“I think I’m too old and too kind of eclectic,” said Julia, who asked that her last name be withheld. “I don’t fit in the categories well, so I feel that I would be eliminated from consideration from a lot of people.”
Another turnoff? Feeling like people in her community, or even a friend or ex, might see her profile. When she recently logged on to one dating site, she saw one of her children’s teachers.
“I figured if I could find that, some people could find me,” she said.
Laura Lamorette, 32, a graphic designer who lives in St. Louis, wants to meet someone in a more “organic” way. Plus, she said, she often meets new people through work and an active social schedule.
“I never felt like I wasn’t meeting people or that I was in a situation where I needed extra help meeting people,” Lamorette said.
She almost cracked this year, logging on to OkCupid to see what she was — arguably — missing. Her clicks got as far as creating a screen name.
“The thought of making my own profile seemed very overwhelming,” Lamorette said.
Indeed, the time in- vestment required for some sites can be a barrier. Many require tests to create matches. And communicating with potential dates can take the form of time-intensive emails before you even pick up the phone to chat with a potential pick. And that’s before arranging an in-person meeting.
Hartman acknowledged that these factors make many older singles hesitant, particularly those who didn’t grow up in the information age.
“The more unfamiliar you are with (technology), and the more it’s not part of your norm or your upbringing, the more resistant you are,” Hartman said.
On the other hand, looking at the recent Pew results should give some reluctant singles pause.
“In many cases, they’re sitting at home hoping a solution will come to them,” Hartman said.
And whether you’re afraid or not, the best solution may be as close as the Enter key on your keyboard.
Wading into cyberdating
So how should those inclined to opt out hop over any hesitation?
First, Hartman says, accept that you will encounter people who aren’t your type. (Just like in the real world.)
“You’re going to meet strange people,” she said. “They’re not always going to be what you expect.”
Start small, she advises. You don’t have to go out on dates; simply set up a profile, she suggested, to see what starts filtering in.
They need to “just try it,” she said. “They don’t have to go on dates; they don’t have to do anything.”
Eventually, she said, people will start becoming comfortable with the sites and “realize it’s really not a big deal.”
Neuman encourages a similar approach, conquering the aversion in stages: creating a profile, taking time to think about what you want to say, pondering potential dates, then meeting in a public place.
“I think (online dating is) terrific,” he said. “You get to find out a lot about people before dating them.”
Delaney Gibson, 33, was sure she would never find true love online. She thought online dating was creepy, with each person knowing far too much about each other before meeting.
“I just thought, ‘I don’t want somebody to judge me on who I am before they even meet me,’ ” said Gibson, a singer-songwriter who lives in Austin, Texas.
But finally, after hitting 30, a pushy friend made her a profile on HowAboutWe, a site that connects daters through suggested date activities. Her buddy nagged her so much that she agreed to go on one date if he left her alone.
On that one date, though, she met Cameron. They got engaged in November 2012 and now have a baby son, Copeland.
“It was my first and last online date,” she said. “I think it was probably in the back of my head that thought, ‘What do I have to lose? I might as well just go ahead and try and see if anything works out.’
“And it did.”