Withhold compliments from those who can’t accept them

Dear Miss Manners: I recently called a friend of mine cute. She replied, in a very angry tone, “Women are not called cute. I ama grown woman.”

Iwas shocked. Am I wrong?

Gentle reader: Apparently, since her irate response must have rendered her decidedly less cute.

Compliments are subjective, but should not be subjected to such scrutiny if they are kindly intended.

If it happens again, Miss Manners advises you to look abashed and say, “I am so sorry. I meant it as a compliment,” and refrain from any further ones until your friend learns howto accept them graciously.

Dear Miss Manners: I received an invitation from a friend of mine to spend theweekend at a property of hers. The caveat: We would be building her a house.

Granted, it is a “tiny house,” andmy friend is not the type of person to follow formal etiquette on functions, but this struck me as beyond the pale. I mentioned it offhandedly tomy parents on a phone call, and they didn’t see any problem, calling it a “barnraiser.”

Miss Manners, I feel as though no one should be asked to raise a barn for a woman with a master’s degree.

Who’s right, my parents or me?

I do plan on declining, due to some health problems that prevent me from, uh, building a house.

Gentle reader: When the barn-raiser was a recognized event, in 18th- and 19th-century rural communities, itwas understood that the favor would later be returned.

Miss Manners fears that your friend has missed the importance of reciprocity.

Perhaps she could limit her invitations to those who, while shewas earning her degree, insisted on asking why she did not spend her time on something more practical.

They could then enjoy a last laugh at her expense while she benefits from their more practical training.

Dear Miss Manners: In the buffet line, what do you do when the person in line behind you is reaching in front of you to get food and pushing you along to get you to hurry?

Gentle reader: Get out of theway.

Miss Manners knows how galling it is to allow the pushy to achieve their objectives.

She will grant you a sweeping “After you, Alphonse” gesture as you move. But standing between rude people and their feed could be dangerous.

Dear Miss Manners: What is to be done about those with the tendency to make virtues of their faults?

I’m thinking of awoman I met who started off the evening by warning us, “I talk too much. My husband tells me all the time at dinner to shut up, but I just don’t.” She then proceeded to show us exactly what she meant by talking entirely too much throughout cocktails, dinner and dessert.

If that weren’t bad enough, she persisted in asking my husband and me three times whenwewere going to have children. I racked my brain for the right response, even saying, “Oh, dear. What would Miss Manners say in this position?” But thewoman didn’t get the joke or take the hint.

My husband and I squirreled out of the uncomfortable position she continued to put us in, but Iwas still irritated.

What annoys me is that it seems these people are trying to put themselves in a position of “You can’t get mad at me— I just admitted I’m fragile and socially awkward.”

But Iwonder what can politely be done with this type of person, besides leaving the room?

Gentle reader: Unfortunately, you can’t agree or leave the room without a covering excuse, but you certainly do not have to answer impertinent questions.

Miss Manners concurs that the behavior you describe is both unattractive and common. To insult oneself before another gets a chance to do so eliminates the need— in the blatherer’s mind— to control the offense. Furthermore, it somehow requests sympathy when no apology is actually being made.

In the first case, if you are very, very careful to avoid any hint of sarcasm, Miss Manners will permit you to divert unwanted questions by responding: “I would answer you, but surely you don’twant me to go on and on. I wouldn’t want to be reprimanded by your husband.”