House speaker can put on parent/teacher hat
Congress is a mess. Only slightly more prestigious than drug dealers, our representatives look more and more like a baffled, befuddled and bewildered reincarnation of the Marx Brothers or Three Stooges but without the laughs.
Not too long ago, we had a wonderful interstate highway system, a great space program, and the finest universities in the world. Now our highways and bridges are crumbling, Russia sends our astronauts into space, and our great state universities have seen their budgets slashed. As crisis follows crisis, our political leaders seem to have little interest in solving problems. They can’t even agree on a budget.
For anyone who has raised kids or taught class, making the U.S. Congress work doesn’t seem like an especially daunting problem. All we need is a new speaker of the House who will adopt some of the basic principles of effective parenting and teaching. And since the new speaker need not be a member of Congress, I am perfectly willing to volunteer.
We can start with three basic parenting principles.
First, I’ll introduce playdates for all representatives. Every parent knows their value in helping children learn how to share and how to get along with others. The folks in Congress will actually have some choices, but they need to play in mixed groups, not homogeneous caucuses — a mixture of moderates, conservatives, liberals and libertarians from both parties. Since playdates should be fun, they can choose golf, poker or even Paul Ryan’s infamous gym workouts. Or they can join a book club or even learn calligraphy like Steve Jobs.
Once they’ve learned to work and play together, I will explain to them why their chores and allowances need to be connected. Although my more sensitive friends hate the idea of linking allowances to chores, I wanted my boys to learn the relationships that hard work, responsibility, accountability and rewards have to each other. If congressional committees and members don’t do their work, why should they get paid?
Effective parents always assume the best but prepare for the worst. That’s when timeouts come in. I never used them to punish my boys, only to modify their behavior. When congressmen (and women) misbehave, have temper tantrums or showboat, I will simply send them to a corner and take away their speaking privileges for short periods of time. What politician can bear to lose the right to speak?
While effective parenting can help set a basic congressional ethos, I also expect to issue each representative a grade every quarter. As citizens, we need to know how well our politicians are meeting their responsibilities to us, not to their parties or lobbyists. And since grades need to be transparent and objective, here are my three primary criteria.
First, of course, is attendance. Woody Allen was right in pointing out that 80 percent of success is simply showing up. Health problems and military obligations clearly deserve excused absences. But what about running for another office? We hire our representatives to serve in Congress, not take junkets to Bali or go golfing in Europe.
Although attendance is necessary, it is certainly not sufficient. Representatives shouldn’t get attendance trophies (i.e., re-election) for just showing up. The second part of their grade will be based on the quality of their work. When I grade essays, my primary concerns are the depth and breadth of the research, validity of the arguments, and effectiveness of presentation. Why should I expect less of Congress? (And yes, grammar will count in all reports and debates.)
The last key element for their grades will be meeting deadlines. None of us can judge work that we do not receive. All our representatives need to learn that no decision is perfect. The key is to do the best we can with all resources available and then move on. When laws, policies and programs don’t work, simply revisit and revise.
As speaker, I will simply remind our politicians of what every good parent and every good teacher knows. We can solve almost any problem if we simply use some experience and common sense. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could admire politicians as much as we do parents and teachers?
When congressmen misbehave, have temper tantrums or showboat, I will simply send them to a corner and take away their speaking privileges ...