Look forward — not back when searching for new job

Dear Miss Manners: Iam working at a job I hate. I finally decided to begin searching for more fulfilling employment.

How do I answer the question, “Why are you leaving a good, steady job after 13 years?” I want to be honest with potential employers, but saying, “I hate my current job and it is slowly destroying my soul” is just not the right way to go. What would be the best way to answer this without lying or sounding quite so bitter?

Gentle reader: If you were divorced, would you approach a romantic prospect by talking about how much you hate your former spouse? Although come to think of it, lots of people think this is a charming way of becoming acquainted.

In both cases, Miss Manners would consider it more effective to express your admiration for the new. To tell a potential employer that you find the possibility of change, and in particular of working there, exciting is not a lie. After all, you likely are excited about leaving a job you hate.

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter is 48 years old and getting married for the second time. She will have a veil that is shoulder length. Should she have the veil over her face at the altar or not?

Gentle reader: As she likes. Miss Manners may not be conspicuous for countenancing mangled traditions, but she is amazingly tolerant about bridal attire.

That is because she remembers something more disturbing: sneering wedding guests. When dear Queen Victoria wore a white wedding dress, she probably did not intend to launch it as a uniform for young, inexperienced brides. (She had been under heavy maternal supervision.)

But so it became, encouraging mean-spirited people to snicker at brides they considered too old or “experienced” (whether or not from a previous marriage) to wear white, and related regalia, such as veils. That this nasty custom has been wiped away by the ubiquitous use of the bridal costume strikes Miss Manners as a good trade-off.

Dear Miss Manners: Our office’s self-appointed social organizer has sent her usual Halloween notice that we’re “encouraged” to come to work dressed up in our choice of scary attire.

Now, I do respect others who wish to participate. But personally, for various reasons, I wish not to participate — in as gracious and respectful a manner as possible. Kindly teach me how to graciously abstain without offending the easily offendable.

Gentle reader: Miss Manners does not approve of compulsory shenanigans in the workplace. She suggests that you go dressed normally, and reply to any accusations with the pathetic plea: “But I thought I was scary enough already.” And just to show your goodwill — and to divert the complaint — you might bring some candy to offer your colleagues.

Dear Miss Manners: Iam a woman with a genderneutral first name, working in a predominantly male profession. In applying for jobs, I notice that the responses I get are sometimes addressed to “Mr.”

Is there a way I can politely indicate that I am a woman to the people in HR before I show up at an interview? How does one address a letter to someone when you can’t tell their gender by their name?

Gentle reader: You should become adept at supplying any available clues. For example, using your full name, “Patricia,” in formal business correspondence even though everyone knows you as “Pat”; including your middle name if it is more gender-specific; and putting “Ms.” in parentheses before your signature.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it rude for my fiancee’s daughter to give me a birthday list of expensive items when I never asked her what she wanted? She is always asking me for things I cannot afford, and I do not know the appropriate responses to her requests. It’s gotten to the point that I do not enjoy her company.

Gentle reader: In the interest of heading off the tendency of even angelic children to exploit parental differences, Miss Manners recommends a conversation with your fiancee. She should put a stop to her daughter’s behavior on her own authority, leaving you the otherwise-pleasant task of making friends with your soon-to-be stepdaughter.