Step in when friend berates husband
Dear Amy: One of my close women friends has been married for many years to a sweet, “passive” man who is somewhat inept and bumbling when she asks him to help her with tasks. His intentions are always good, but he lacks common sense.
When my friend is displeased with any little mistakes he makes, she (in front of her friends that are present), reprimands him in a sharp, exasperated way, ensuring that not only will he hear her displeasure, but all those present will, too.
This not only makes me uncomfortable, but I feel compassion for her husband, who is constantly berated by her.
I want to talk to her about what I see. Would this be appropriate? If so, how can I broach
Dear Friend: If your female friend were being berated and publicly embarrassed and reprimanded by her husband, wouldn’t someone step in to try to intervene? I assume so.
I think when you’re contemplating confronting someone over unacceptable behavior, you shouldn’t worry too much about being appropriate. Abusive people count on bystanders being too intimidated or well behaved to confront the problem.
So you tell your friend, “I want you to know that I am very disturbed by the way I’ve seen you berate ‘John’ when we’re together. If someone was treating you this way and disrespecting you like this, I’d have to say something — but you’re the one doing it.” Someone in your group should also reach out to the husband to try to discern how this affects him and offer him support.
Dear Amy: I am saddened that you heard not one response in support of your compassion toward the stepchild and so-called “spoiled brat” referred to in the letter from “Frustrated.”
I am an educator, and too often I see admittedly difficult children struggle because the adults in their lives fail to see their difficulty as a request for help with a problem they are having, rather than just some annoyance that needs to be “disciplined.” Kudos to you for your compassion and also for encouraging adults to act like adults!
— Pro-Compassion Educator
Dear Educator: Thank you very much.
the topic?
— An Uncomfortable Friend You can write Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to: Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.