Ask Amy: Family member worries about boyfriend’s brother.
You can write Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or by mail to: Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
Dear Amy:
My partner and I have a baby boy and live together. We are nearly 40. We sold our homes during the housing crash of ’08 and got burned. After our son was born, we bought a home together. We’ve become extremely frugal in order to save more for our retirements and the baby’s college tuition.
My partner’s sweet, loving, gay brother (age 33) lives nearby. The brother’s job is physical and depends on him being in good physical shape. He’s strong, but his health is deteriorating due to overeating and joint problems. He’s a very hard worker, though, and has a good heart. Recently, he lost his only car to an accident. He has zero savings and many maxed-out credit cards. He told me his household expenses are $1,500 a month, just for food and living expenses.
I would like to have an intervention with him about his finances or ask my boyfriend to talk with him privately about cutting his expenses so he can eventually buy a house. He’s also very overweight and unattractive, and he has unattainable standards for a partner. He won’t be able to marry into wealth.
I feel that we have a responsibility to warn him of the consequences of living beyond his means. Should we say it once and then back off? If he asks for money, should we lie and say everything we have is tied up in stocks? Or should we just “hope” he figures it out? — Worried
Dear Worried:
Given your own experience in the housing market, the last thing you should do is suggest that your debt-ridden and high-spending family member try to buy a house.
According to you, this man has a lot of problems, up to and including his weight and appearance, his joints and his work and personal habits. If he asks for money, that is your invitation to share your views on his money and spending issues, in order to try to help him. By all means, you should try to warn him about the consequences of his financial choices. And then — you should let him feel the consequences of these choices. If you don’t want to loan money to him, then you must say “no.” Don’t lie about it. His spending and debt make him a very poor prospect for paying back any loan.
His weight, relationship prospects and employment — these things are his business. Back off and stop judging him.