Ask Amy: Busy wife feels unappreciated by husband.

Dear Amy: I have been married for 33 years. I love my husband, but I have totally enabled him -- to the point where I am now feeling abused.

For instance, this morning, he was in a minor car accident. Through my business relationships, I have an excellent contact in the repair business, and so I kindly took his car in, gave him mine to use in the interim and picked up the rental.

I asked him to drive the rental so I could have my car back and he refused. I told him I felt used. He basically said I should get over it.

Because of my family background and decades of behaving this way, I am now at the point where I feel incredibly put upon because of all of the expectations, as well as the total lack of gratitude. At this point I want to try and start pulling back from "doing everything" in our household: Making breakfast, lunch, coffee, laundry, cleaning, running the accounts, doing the taxes, etc.

It is important for me to keep harmony in my house, but I also want to take care of myself.

How can I change this? — Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You sound like a nurturing and competent caretaker. Perhaps you feel disappointed when people don't do things as well as you know you can, and so you do more, but then feel unappreciated.

I'm trying to point out that you have a big part to play in this dynamic, because in order to change it, you're going to have to learn to back off, and not immediately jump up to volunteer your services -- especially if you aren't getting any emotional traction or reciprocation from being so generous and competent.

This morning, for instance. Did your husband ask you to solve his problem for him? Or did you know you could handle it well and volunteered because you love him and love helping him, and because helping is an important part of your identity?

Couples are supposed to help each other. Your husband needs to be given the opportunity, and the expectation, to step up and help himself, and also help you.

In order to change things at home, you're going to have to risk your husband's disapproval, as he struggles to adjust.

You'll want to be clear about the tasks you're happy to continue doing, versus those things you're going to stop doing. When you change, even a little bit, people around you will change, too.