Deleted picture from work raises concerns at home

Dear Amy: I haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of nights because I’ve been thinking about something I witnessed.

Three days ago, when I asked my husband if I could see a video he shot on his phone, his face went white, he left the room and I could tell he was deleting something before he showed me the video.

I could see over his shoulder that what he was deleting was a photo of him with a female co-worker from an “event” the night before.

I have never had trust issues with him during our 23 years of marriage.

I seriously doubt sex was involved, but my trust is shattered because he wanted to hide this photo from me, instead of saying, “Here’s a picture of Suzy in accounting.”

How would you recommend I begin the conversation? Any thoughts? Dear Sleepless: Sometimes, events seem to unfold in a flash, where you are simply too shocked, surprised or confounded to respond in the moment.

There are times, too, when you “catch” your partner in an act of deception, and — weirdly — your first instinct is to protect them from their own embarrassment.

However, given that you two have been married for almost a quartercentury, the optimal thing to do would have been to respond as quickly as you could have, before the moment had entirely passed, saying something along the lines of, “Whoa, honey, what are you deleting? Who’s that girl I glimpsed? Why do you feel the need to delete that photo?” (Basically, responding naturally, and observing his response.)

As it is, you’re going to have to simply be brave enough to say to him, “When you did that, all of a sudden I had extreme worries about our relationship. What’s going on?”

Try to listen calmly, and don’t respond at all until he has spun out whatever explanation he offers. Stay as quiet as you can, even after he is done. You will then have to rely on your instincts to gauge whether or not you believe him.

If he quickly becomes very defensive or hostile regarding this, my own instincts are that you are not getting the whole story.