Exhausted mother deserves husband’s support
Dear Amy: I am a married mother of a 2-year-old, and a 5-month-old baby. My husband and I are both professionals, and I am currently on parental leave. My husband’s is the “primary” career in the house, and he earns a lot more than I do.
I am happy taking care of my little ones, but I am still getting up three or four times a night with the baby and getting progressively more tired. Lately I have started snapping and lashing out at my husband. I feel terrible about it later.
I have always done everything in the relationship — shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning, financials, social activities, etc. — and continue to do so. He isn’t great at taking care of himself. He also often wakes up the children when he gets home late from work, which greatly upsets me.
I feel as though this is my “job” (as he is the breadwinner), and that I should be able to handle it. If he could even just tidy up after himself, it would make my life easier.
He promises to do more, but then doesn’t. If I get angry, he immediately checks out or acts as though I have behaved badly. I have no perspective on whether I am asking too much.
Dear Tired: It is a measure of your extreme fatigue that you don’t seem to have a perspective on your own feelings or reactions to this extreme challenge. It is not your “job” to exhaust yourself taking care of two children, as well as another able-bodied adult.
Parenting is a partnership, no matter who is the primary breadwinner. With two young children, your husband needs to up his game. His behavior and reaction to you is not kind, loving or helpful.
If he can’t be more helpful and supportive (because of his professional work hours) or won’t participate (because of his bullheadedness), this will be a lonely and very challenging time for you. Yes, he should at the very least tidy up after himself and act like an adult, versus your third child.
He is going to have to dial in to your family in practical ways, so that your family can start to thrive.
You need practical help and emotional support. Turn over jobs he can do (bill paying and laundry, for instance).
He has the opportunity to be a hero. He is refusing this opportunity, and is punishing you for your very reasonable expectation.