Soon-to-be expat is a lady — and wants people to know it

Dear Miss Manners: I’m an American married to an Englishman who’s a college professor and has lived in the U.S. for about 35 years. I’ll be moving with him to England when we retire. My husband, who’s from a lower-middle-class background like myself, has been knighted. He still answers his phone as “Pete Smith.” I admire his modesty, yet, perversely, I want to be “Lady Smith.” Will Miss Manners allow me to get away with this? If so, how?

Gentle reader: Unfortunately, honors do not come with instructions for use, but your husband has the right instinct. In class-stratified societies, such as England, it’s considered, well, low-class to refer to oneself using one’s title. And in an officially classless society, such as the U.S., citizens do not use titles. That said, Miss Manners would like to indulge your amusing yen. Perhaps your own field of expertise is 19th-century British literature, and you grew fond of its designations. Her advice is to make a little joke of it: “Well, actually, that’s Lady Smith, but you can call me Pamela.” Or, “Technically, I’m a lady, so I try to behave myself.” Or, “Sir Peter, I’m afraid it’s time for us to go home.”

Someone is bound to ask you what you mean. Then you, too, can be modest and say, “Well, of course it’s not something we make a point of, but we do tease Pete about becoming a knight.”

Dear Miss Manners: The former manager of the office I work in has terminal pancreatic cancer. She isn’t doing well at all, sadly, and we’re told she could pass any day now. Our former manager’s birthday is coming up, and those of us in the office would love to let her know we’re thinking of her by giving her a birthday card. However, we are uncertain as to what the correct protocol would be in a situation like this. Is it considered rude or disrespectful to show celebration of the birth of someone we care about when her life is so close to being cut short?

Gentle reader: Cards are written by strangers. What you want to say to your co-worker is not a mere “Happy birthday,” which could indeed seem callous, but “We’re all thinking of you on your birthday, and we miss you.” So Miss Manners recommends finding a pretty blank card and writing that out.