Daughter wants to engage with long-lost father

Dear Amy: I recently found my biological father through Facebook after more than 20 years (I am 28) of not knowing if he was alive.

Although I am really happy that I found him, I am scared to let my family (my mom, stepdad, and sisters) know that I have reconciled with him and reconnected.

I have asked about my dad before (I even had a picture of him), and my stepdad felt betrayed that I was even curious about him.

I ripped up his picture because I felt so guilty that my stepdad was hurt.

I KNOW my stepfather will manipulate the situation (that's just how he is) and con my sisters and my mom into not speaking to me.

On the other hand, I do wish to create a relationship with my father and start where we left off (I have two beautiful daughters I know he will love to meet), but I am so scared to do this because I know that it will divide my family.

What should I do?

Dear Daughter: First, a word of caution. You seem to have invested a lot of positive hope in the idea of having a relationship with your father. You say you want to "pick up where you left off." But, where has he been? Has he been searching for you? You should start by taking this very slowly, and in careful stages.

You were eight years old when you last saw your father. You don't say what transpired before he disappeared from your life, but it was wrong of your parents to deny your right to have a relationship with him -- even if they thought they were protecting you.

I agree that you should pursue this relationship privately. If you develop a friendship with your father, you should notify your mother -- again, privately (she should help you to handle your stepdad).

Please understand that she will likely feel very threatened by this, especially if your daughters are involved. Grandparents get that way, sometimes.

You are an adult. You have the right to contact your father. But because the stakes seem to be so high in your family, you must keep your eyes wide open to the consequences. Be circumspect about sharing this with others.