Root for Jags and drain NFL’s swamp
It’s T-minus a few precious hours until the AFC title game. Do you know how hand is?
Sorry, that’s top secret. But I do know
is on his knees somewhere, praying that Brady’s golden right hand is functioning properly.
That alone is reason enough for Orlando to pull for the Jaguars to beat the Patriots, even if it might lead to a Super Bowl title and deliver a major blow to our God-given right to look down on Jacksonville.
Wait, did I just write “Jacksonville” and “Super Bowl title” in the same sentence?
For all of recorded human history, such a statement would have been preposterous. But then, so was “President
Calm down, this has no political subtext. It’s just that the 2016 election metaphor is too apt to resist.
The Patriots are NFL Establishment. And if any organization is likely to misplace 33,000 emails about deflating footballs, secretly videotaping opponents and yoga classes, it’s New England.
Jacksonville is the trashtalking outsider looking to crash the NFL’s big party.
Some fans may have Patriots fatigue, but New England has Brady, Hoodie, and a secure place in America’s celebrity culture.
Jacksonville has Waffle House.
And yes, I am constitutionally required to make a Waffle House joke when writing about the greasy spoon of cities.
When Jacksonville hosted the Super Bowl in 2005, the local sports columnist invited a writer from New York, one from Philadelphia and me to sample the cuisine for a story.
The Big City boys stared at the grits, sausage, biscuits and redeye gravy. You’d have thought the waitress had brought them a plate of monkey brains. But once they tried it, they realized Waffle House gets a bad rap.
Frankly, I’d rather eat 100 pecan waffles than one of chickpea wrap from Brady’s TB 12 diet shop.
Goodell and other caviareating NFL swamp creatures would not. The thought of a vs. or Super Bowl has spawned a Never Jags movement. COMMENTARY A motorist rear-ended
car last week. Other than the driver being a Steelers fan, I suspect the license plate eventually will be traced to an NBC address. The network would rather broadcast reruns than a Jacksonville Super Bowl.
That’s another reason Orlando should pull for the Jags, though if they advance and win the Big Kahuna, we will be the only major city in Florida without a world championship in a major sport.
Jacksonville could wave that trump card until the Magic finish rebuilding and win the 2079 NBA title. But it’d be worth the indignity to watch the NFL Establishment turned completely on its head.
So come on, Orlando. Pull for the Jaguars and make Waffle House great again! America’s youth. A New York Life survey of more than 1,000 children under age 12 showed that more would rather grow up to be a police officer than a pro athlete.
Pro athletes immediately took a knee to protest the results.
Honorable mention: Due to the government shutdown, there will be no honorable mentions this week. by going 2-for-14 (14.3 percent) from the foul line Friday night. And it wasn’t even Appreciation Night.
At a press conference Friday, refused to answer questions about his injured right hand. denied Brady even has a right hand.
That forced a frustrated press corps to turn to outside medical experts to assess the situation. CNN led the way with Dr.
who said Brady needs an immediate hand transplant.
ABC reported that Thing, the disembodied hand from “The Addams Family,” has volunteered to be a donor as long as it doesn’t have to touch any of Brady’s TB 12 lentil soup.
NBC announced last week that recently retired
will make his debut as a contributor during the Super Bowl and follow that by covering ice skating at the Winter Olympics. At this rate, he’ll replace
as the anchor of NBC Nightly News by April.
In related news, Fox announced will call this year’s Daytona 500.
just announced A) she has frozen her eggs for in vitro fertilization, and B) she is dating Maybe they’ll give birth to an inordinately famous quarterback who never wins a game.