Politicians want marriage guide mandate.

Today we’re talking school vouchers, thirsty thieves and “The 10 Weirdest Things to Wash Up on Florida Beaches.”

But let’s start with the Florida Legislature, which wants to require all citizens to read a “Healthy Marriage” guidebook before they wed.

Excuse me for a moment while I… Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

Florida legislators are telling

other people how to have strong marriages?

That’s like Bernie Madoff telling other people how to not run Ponzi schemes.

It’s like a vampire giving lessons on veganism.

In just the past three months, four different legislators have either admitted to affairs or resigned over sexual-harassment claims. All were married. In Tallahassee, young male reps have a reputation for turning sexual conquests into a pointscoring game — where they score more points for having sex with married people.

Heck, I’ve gotten late-night voice mails from legislators’ spurned spouses — and their mistresses.

These are the people who think you need to read a “Healthy Marriage” guide. Lakeland Republican Kelli

Stargel’s Senate Bill 1580 would prohibit county clerks from issuing marriage licenses unless “both parties have obtained and read the guide.”

Listen, I believe in pre-marriage counseling. My wife and I did it with our own pastor ... voluntarily.

But before legislators give marriage advice to others, maybe they should all give fidelity a try themselves.

That’s our state!

Here are this week’s only-inFlorida headlines:

“Florida man breaks into someone’s garage, makes himself coffee” … “Florida politician with hidden felony cocaine record voted illegally for two decades … “Weird venomous sea creatures wash up on South Florida beach” … “Florida woman convicted of stealing a house”

I guess I’d rather someone steal my coffee than my house.

Watch your step!

Speaking of sea creatures, the Miami New Times has compiled a list of “The Ten Weirdest Things to Wash Up on Florida’s Beaches.” They were: 10. Drugs; 9. Military ordnance; 8. Dead people; 7. Severed limbs; 6. Wildlife (like a crocodile and thousands of dead bees); 5. An enormous blue eyeball; 4. Café Cubano; 3. Tires; 2. 8-foot-tall Lego men; 1. Refugees.

I find it disturbing that “severed limbs” was only No. 7.

Also, even if bullying did take place, the bill calls for leaving the alleged bullies in place, so they can bully other kids … who can then also request vouchers.

Fearmongering for votes

House Speaker Richard Corcoran, who really wants to be Florida’s next governor, put out an inflammatory ad this week that warns Floridians of the dangers of being killed by an illegal immigrant, citing a California case from 2015.

Corcoran can fearmonger all he wants. Here are the facts: The FBI says 15,696 people were murdered in 2015. Almost all of that was committed by American citizens. (Politifact actually cited studies that suggest immigrants, regardless of status, commit less violent crime than native-born Americans.) Yet politicians rarely manage to muster up as much anger about the majority of those heinous crimes.

FBI stats also cite 262 rapes in America … every … single … day. It’s heinous. Yet some politicians (and some “news” organizations) ignore almost all of those rapes — unless an immigrant is involved. Then it’s nonstop outrage about that one crime ... while the other 261 victims are ignored.

Call it “confirmation bias,” “tyranny of the anecdote” or whatever you want. But if the image of an immigrant is all you see when you think of heinous crime, that’s because it’s all you’re looking for.

Bullying bill reality

There’s been a lot of criticism over the House plan to give private-school vouchers to students whose parents claim they were bullied. Chief among the flaws: House Bill 1 doesn’t require any verification that bullying even took place. Any parent who wants money for private school can simply claim their child suffered from “intimidation” (they needn’t say from whom or what) and then take the money and run.

Also, even if the bullying did take place, the bill calls for leaving the alleged bullies in place, so they can bully other kids … who can then also request vouchers.

This plan is more about expanding vouchers than combating bullying, since it doesn’t actually combat bullying at all.

Fortunately, the Senate is trying to inject some sense into this bill, requiring principals to at least attempt to verify the claims before handing out vouchers. It’s a nobrainer.

Really, though, if legislators (contact info at www.leg.state.fl.us) truly wanted to pass an anti-bullying bill, they’d do something else. Instead of simply providing a way for Floridians to earmark their vehicle-registration fees for private-school vouchers, legislators also would give Floridians the option of directing their vehicle fees to anti-bullying efforts in public schools as well.

But again, it’s pretty clear that combating bullying was never really the goal.