How to respond to well-meaning ‘miraculous pregnancy’ stories
Dear Miss Manners: After several years and thousands of dollars invested in treatments, my husband and I have accepted that we’re unlikely to conceive children naturally. We always intended to adopt and/or foster children later in life; however, this development led us to move up our timeline.
We have been practicing answering inquires regarding whether we have children with a simple, “Not yet.” However, some relatives, friends and even a few acquaintances know we are experiencing infertility.
Now, when people learn we’re becoming foster/ adoptive parents, we’re often met with unsolicited stories of miraculous pregnancies that occurred once a couple “stopped trying so hard” and decided to adopt. Typically, the subjects of the story are a cousin’s dentist’s nephew or some such distant acquaintance. Sometimes the stories are told without any awareness of my infertility.
We believe these people mean well and generally don’t know what else to say when faced with the issue of infertility, which is still a bit of a taboo topic. We believe they want to impart a sense of hope and perhaps also ease their own discomfort.
However, these stories tend to have the opposite effect on me. I have worked hard to cope with the grief of infertility. Some days and situations are very difficult for me, but I do my best to put on a brave face and remember the world does not revolve around my inability to reproduce.
My typical response to these miraculous pregnancy-after-adoption tales has been to smile, nod and say something along the lines of “How wonderful for your relative/friend/dentist’s nephew.” I find this to be a better response than to roll my eyes and groan, though doing so would more accurately convey my feelings. I’m afraid if I wish to discuss our plans for adoption, or my infertility (which I believe to be important, in order to lessen the taboo and the sense of isolation so many infertile individuals feel), I must also endure these stories. However, I wonder whether Miss Manners approves of my kind-but-not-invitingfurther-discussion response.
Gentle reader: It is not your duty to promote awareness at the cost of your privacy. Politely refusing to discuss your plans except with trusted intimates is undoubtedly your best defense. Acknowledgment, with no further encouragement for those who offer advice or share stories, is perfectly acceptable.
Meanwhile, Miss Manners is left to wonder what response these helpful bystanders hope to elicit — and to ponder the icky and contradictory implications of “not trying so hard.”
Dear Miss Manners:
Being a moderate aficionado, when you are asked to bring an appropriate wine pairing for the appetizers and main course at a partial potluck, is the wine considered a gift to the hostess to become a part of her cellar? Or, like the dessert brought by other guests, is it to be opened and enjoyed by all?
Gentle reader: Once you bring an item to be consumed at another’s house, it stays there, regardless of whether actual consumption takes place. If you are worried about guests not being able to enjoy the wine in your presence, Miss Manners recommends that on this occasion, you become slightly less of an aficionado. Dear Miss Manners: My husband’s parents are visiting soon. How do I prepare for their three-day stay? How should I prepare my home, how often should I cook, should I buy new sheets, plan activities? Should I buy them gifts? I do not want to look like I am trying too hard.
Gentle reader: Why not? In-laws love that sort of thing. Three days is a good amount of time to make things special for them, but also not to schedule every minute. Plan to make most meals, if possible, but leave room for them to invite you out or make their own plans. Suggest a few activities that might be to their liking, but similarly do not over-schedule. Presents are unnecessary, though tokens like chocolates on their beds, or items related to the city or their interests, are always charming. Sheets need only be clean, not new. In short, Miss Manners recommends that you make every reasonable effort to make your in-laws’ visit comfortable, trying your best to ignore critiques — or to seek them.