New marriage faces grandparenting challenge

Dear Amy: I married a wonderful woman about two years ago. Six months later her widower son moved into our house, with his five children. The children ranged in age from a newborn baby to eight years old.

This “man” couldn’t raise one child, much less five.

The children have had no formal (or any) education, nor medical or dental care. The mother died in childbirth (due to her own lack of medical care) with the baby, who is now 13 months old.

I am a semi-retired psychologist; I love my wife and grandchildren, and I try my best.

I will do anything to save my marriage. However, whenever I try to discuss this situation with my wife, I’m cast as a heartless, uncaring wretch.

She is reluctant (but perhaps willing) to go to therapy with me, but I’m actually afraid to address this, as it is perhaps a deal-breaker.

Of course, we never discussed such a possibility of raising all of these children prior to our marriage.

Advice? Suggestions?

Dear Upset: This situation presents one of the most extreme challenges any family could face. As a psychologist, you understand that clear, steady and loving communication is key to your family’s success. However, some of the language you are using to describe how your wife views you (”heartless, uncaring wretch”) is loaded. You should work on that.

As a couple, your inability to cope with your situation will naturally move this into “deal-breaker” territory. Therapy will give you both the tools to move forward as co-parents and grandparents in order to build a strong family unit. Unlike most, you are having to create this family unit instantly, and you all need help.

Present this to your wife as “coaching,” so that you two can hold hands and walk through this together.

Her son is the unstable third leg of your family structure. Even if you and your wife manage to get (and stay) on the same page, he is the legal parent of these children.

The children need strong, loving and structured parenting. They must receive medical care and be enrolled in school. They may also need therapy. Your local department of social services should be able to help.

If your wife wants the marriage to succeed for everyone’s mutual benefit, she should agree to receiving professional help.