Abused siblings want to seek help, speak out

Dear Amy: My siblings recently disclosed that our mother subjected them to sexual, mental and physical abuse.

As a child, I was subjected to physical and mental abuse at her hand, but I had always assumed that I was the sole focus of my mother’s ire.

I moved out of the house the day after high school graduation.

I no longer have any contact with her.

One of my siblings has informed me that after I left home, and without me there as a focal point, my mother turned her abuse toward my siblings. The worst of the abuse involved two of my sisters, who were sexually assaulted by friends of my mother’s.

My mother knew about and condoned this. No one ever went to the police.

I am at a loss for the next steps to take.

One of my sisters has come to me for help with recovering from the trauma of her childhood. I’ve thought about talking with the police. However, the assaults were over 30 years ago, and the statute of limitations has long passed.

Our mother is 78, and she is active in her church, where she likely has contact with children.

Confronting her will likely achieve nothing.

What should I do?

Dear Guilty: First, you should create a safe and open space where your siblings can tell their stories, if they want to (some might not want to talk about this).

Tell them you believe them, and emotionally hold them close. Your own experience might make this sort of intimacy challenging, but now is the time to “come home,” figuratively, to be the best and most loving version of yourself that you can possibly be.

If a sister wants to go to the police, go with her, regardless of the statute of limitations.

And yes — confront your mother. If being in her presence would traumatize you, then write her a letter, as individuals or as a group. If you truly believe that she is a potential danger to any children, then you are duty-bound to report this to her church clergy, as well as to the police. But if your main impulse is to ruin her reputation in her church community, then I don’t believe you should do so.

RAINN.org offers a 24-hour telephone hotline (800-656-4673), with an online chat option. Contact a RAINN counselor for advice and local services.