Ex-husband uses his former wife for money

Dear Amy: I have known my ex-husband, “Bart,” for 30 years. We were married for 18 years and divorced six years ago.

He has lost all his money and has drained all of his friendships over money.

He is now coming to me for money.

Recently he was in a small car accident. The other driver called the police because my ex was driving without insurance.

I was at work and he called me screaming and crying, saying he was going further down the hole. He told me I was the only one he could come to.

He expected me to pay for car insurance ASAP, and to get his car out of impound.

The next day I paid for car insurance, took him to the police station and I paid to get his car out of impound.

I can’t afford either the emotional or the financial burden this is causing me. Yet whenever I say this he makes a veiled threat of having nothing left and no reason to live. I am tormented by the manipulation.

I divorced him to get away from this craziness and now he has shown up on my doorstep. I want to close and bolt the door.

Do you have any words of wisdom?

Dear Upset: You are kind and compassionate — that much is obvious. But other than delaying your ex’s spiral for a few weeks or months, what are you really doing for him?

You describe this as “torment.” When you give in to his demands, you are really soothing your own anxiety, and trying to tamp down the torment. But you can’t.

“Bart” has trained you to comply when he emotionally manipulates you.

Every time he succeeds, he feels better and you feel worse. Bart needs to be told that he has run out of options.

A social worker might be able to help him find affordable housing and some financial services and advice. He could start with the local Office for the Aging. Pass along the phone number — do not do the work for him.

If you are at risk of emotional and financial exhaustion, then — yes — close and bolt the door, and block him from contacting you. Taking care of yourself means that you may have to say a firm and steadfast, “No. Not this time. I’m done.”