Spouse struggles to share in her husband’s losses

Dear Amy: My husband is 56 and I am 31. During the five years we’ve been together, he has lost countless friends, family and acquaintances.

He’s a union rep, so he knows many people, including retirees, and goes to several funerals a month. The hardest ones are obviously for his close friends or their children whom he watched grow up. Some have been tragic.

He has an extremely difficult time expressing his emotions — happy or sad. I have to listen very closely for cues to understand how affected he is.

I don’t know any of these people and I have not been invited to their services. He’s more comfortable going to these services by himself and I respect that.

During this same time, I have been blessed to not lose anyone close to me. We are aware of the differences in our stages of life, but it doesn’t make it any easier to relate in the moment.

My question is, what more can I say other than, “I’m sorry you lost your friend.”

He responds well to gestures. Is it overstepping to send flowers to the services? What else could I do? Dear Spouse: It would not be overstepping for you to attend calling hours or a service — or to send flowers (or make a donation to the family’s preferred charity).

Your husband seems to prefer to attend these services alone, but I wonder if you have offered to go with him.

Standing by his side could be a powerful way for you to honor both your relationship to him, and his relationship to the deceased person.

In addition to saying, “I’m sorry you lost your friend,” you should ask your husband to tell you about the deceased person. Sharing an anecdote with you could help him to open up.

It is especially powerful to attend with (and to) your husband when the loss has been tragic (as in the death of a child).

You are young. Bearing quiet witness during these rituals will teach you so much about life, and will make the more joyful ceremonies (such as weddings and baby showers) all the more meaningful and resonant for you.

You are wise to look for nonverbal ways to comfort your husband. It sounds as if he values “acts of service.” For more insight into the various ways people communicate, read “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” by Gary Chapman (2015, Northfield Publishing).