Family should reunite in small stages

Dear Amy: I have not seen my mother in four years. She is an alcoholic, and she had long refused to get sober. She has alienated the entire family and has never met her 2-year-old grandson.

Recently, I started to communicate with her via email. I believe that she is sober as a result of some medical conditions that have forced her to stop drinking. They are not terminal conditions, but I think that she is finally not drinking.

What would be the best way to bring her back into our lives? What do we talk about?

I have lots of resentment from her ignoring and blaming everyone for the last seven years, however, I am ready for her to be part of our family and to finally meet her grandson. requires an embrace and a daily determination to live a sober life and address all the challenges sobriety entails, including a willingness to face some emotional consequences, try to repair relationships and take responsibility for her choices. Your mother needs to be ready and able to try.

If she is not using alcohol but hasn’t tried to confront the factors that led to her addiction, then it will be as if she has just put her drinking on hold, and the underlying challenges will still be there.

Reunification requires a degree of emotional bravery from both of you, and you deserve credit for your willingness to go there.

Your journey through the minefield of addiction would be made easier if you (and other family members) attended AlAnon or other “friends and family” support meetings (al-anon.org). I cannot overstate the importance of connecting with others in this way.

Dear Amy: Recently several siblings and their offspring (and I) cleaned out my dad’s basement and garage, with his permission. Some helped during the day, and others came after work to help. It took us three days. Dad told those of us who helped to take what we wanted.

One sibling and offspring didn’t help (they had to work). A couple of days after we had finished, this sibling came to look at the items that were left and started complaining that everything they wanted was gone. I explained that Dad said those who helped got first pick.

Now the sibling is mad because their family didn’t get the items they wanted.

How should we have handled this? Since that person didn’t do any of the work, most of us think that sibling should have gotten the last pick of items.

Any advice?

Dear Confused: Why are YOU angry? Are you angry because your sibling is bellyaching? If so, get over it.

The rules regarding this cleanup were clear and easy to understand. This is a classic snooze-equalslose situation. Your sibling didn’t hop up to help, so that sibling hasn’t had first pick.

If that sibling wants to negotiate with other family members regarding specific items they wanted to keep, they could offer to barter, trade or buy them.

Dear Amy: The letter from “A from Minnesota” hit me in the gut. Like “A,” I also had lots of dreams about my mother after she died. I didn’t know what to make of them, and I found them to be very upsetting. I would wake up in tears.

Eventually, the dreams seemed to change, and I did what you advised — I let the dreams in. I saw this as my mother trying to help me to grieve.

Dear Better: I had a similar experience to yours, which I used to respond to “A.”