Partner’s response warrants scrutiny
Dear Amy: My partner and I have been living together for five years. We are both in our 60s and each have grown children. We are together almost 24/7. We get along beautifully.
For as long as I can remember, I get startled very easily. If someone walks quietly into a room, I jump and gasp in shock and fear. I really can’t help reacting this way. I’ve never had a horrible trauma that might cause it. I do remember many years ago my father quietly entering a room and my mother jumping with fear when she saw him. My father seemed to find this funny (or entertaining), even knowing how angry she got with him for startling her.
Now my partner does this same thing to me, and I hate it! Amy, he claims it is my fault for not anticipating that he will walk into the same room, since it’s only the two of us at home. But how can I?
We have had numerous intense arguments about this and it still happens at least a few times a week. If I’m reading, cooking or doing anything quietly by myself, I’ve asked him to make some kind of noise before approaching me. If he does, I’m not startled, but he says he forgets to do this (most of the time).
I really don’t know how to change my startled response, but, like my father, I think he secretly gets a kick out of watching me react the way I do, and it really cheeses me off!
Please, any suggestions?
Dear Fraidy: The startle response is an important evolutionary reaction to alarm and risk. We all have it (or should have it) to varying degrees.
However, in researching your question, I’ve learned about a genetic disorder called hyperekplexia, which is, basically, a response that goes beyond merely flinching when a person is startled. Someone with this disorder might “jump and gasp,” as you describe — or, in its extreme form, collapse or seem to be having a seizure. (For information on this, you can check the National Organization for Rare Disorders website at rarediseases.org/).
I’m not saying you have hyperekplexia, but because this issue is affecting you several times a week, you should do some research and get a professional assessment. Cognitive behavioral therapy (or a low-dose anti-anxiety medication) might help to subdue your reaction.
In terms of your partner, I do think it’s possible that he forgets to approach you warily. He also might not realize you are in a particular room when he enters it. I don’t know how you can be certain he is “secretly” entertained by this, but your father’s long-ago unkind reaction might be influencing you. You should continue to talk about it, as you explore the possible cause and treatment, and yes, he should understand that this is serious.
Dear Amy: I have a few nosy neighbors who have surprised me by knocking on my door and asking for a tour of my home.
After previously overhearing their snarky, critical gossip about perfectly nice people in the neighborhood, they aren’t people I want in my home, but of course I say hello and am polite when I see them.
What do I do when they knock on my door and ask for a tour of my house?
They just want to snoop and judge. If I say I’m busy and can’t show them around, their response indicates that they think my answer is very unusual and unkind (but their request, apparently, is not).
Got any ideas for keeping them out? I’m not very skilled at coming up with quick verbal responses. Thank you!
Dear Not Interested: You don’t need to come up with anything quick or clever in order to keep nosy people out of your home. You need only say, “What an unusual request! But no, I’m not interested in doing that. I hope you have a nice day. Buh-bye now.”
Dear Amy: “iStruggling with iGen Dilemma” reported that she had an 11-year-old daughter who said she is gay! How does an 11-year-old know for sure what her sexuality is?
Dear Wondering: Many people say they are aware of their sexuality from very early childhood. This child should be listened to and respected, just as her mother was doing.