‘Save me’ from a wed­ding shower?

Orlando Sentinel - - LOCAL & STATE -

Dear Amy: I’ve at­tended sev­eral wed­ding show­ers re­cently where the groom stands around look­ing bored, posts to so­cial me­dia things like “Save me,” and at­ten­dees of­fer “con­do­lences” that he has to spend his day with only women. I re­al­ize these things are meant in jest, but after wit­ness­ing this over and over again, it gets ir­ri­tat­ing.

We women are an im­por­tant part of the bride and groom’s life and have taken a day out of our busy lives to cel­e­brate them and shower them with gifts.

And I’ve got news for the groom — these show­ers aren’t al­ways fun for us, ei­ther! How many silly games can one per­son play? But I’d never post an im­age say­ing “save me” just be­cause I’m sick of small talk. Com­ing from a fe­male at­tendee, that’d be seen as im­po­lite.

Do you agree that this is rude, un­der­ly­ing sex­ism? Or am I be­ing too sen­si­tive?

Dear Save Me: Back in the day, “wed­ding show­ers” were called “bridal show­ers” and were at­tended only by women. The prospec­tive groom would some­times duck in near the end of the event as a “sur­prise” and ba­si­cally do his rooster dance in the hen­house. The whole thing was a reen­act­ment of tra­di­tional gen­der roles and peo­ple mainly played their part.

If you are at­tend­ing “wed­ding” (not “bridal”) show­ers, then shouldn’t other male friends also be in­cluded? Aren’t men an im­por­tant part of wed­dings? Sadly, the an­swer is

“not re­ally,” be­cause while we are find­ing new ways to form fam­i­lies and to cel­e­brate them, we are still cling­ing to old rit­u­als, in­clud­ing ways to get peo­ple to give us gifts when we don’t re­ally need them.

The an­swer to your di­rect ques­tion is: Yes, the bored grooms at these show­ers are be­ing rude. At­ten­dees com­mis­er­at­ing with them are di­min­ish­ing their own value as guests.

Yes, it is rude to post “save me” mes­sages at an “off-brand” event. That in­cludes par­ents who post this from kids’ birth­day par­ties, young adults who post this from their grand­par­ents’ houses, and that time I posted “SOS, send vodka” from an in-law fam­ily re­union.

But some­times “save me” re­ally IS funny. It is meant to draw faux sym­pa­thy to the per­son post­ing it. Maybe the next time you wit­ness this, you could post a pic­ture of the “save me” guy with the cap­tion: “Some­one please save ME from the ‘save me’ guy.”

Dear Amy: I’m a 26-yearold girl. I’ve been dat­ing my 25-year-old boyfriend from col­lege for al­most five years. We had al­ways planned to live with our par­ents after grad school and save up money be­fore mov­ing out and rent­ing an apart­ment to­gether.

We’ve been out of school for two years and are both se­cure enough in our ca­reers to move in to­gether. My boyfriend and I are on the same page. We want to get out of our par­ents’ houses and move in to­gether and get en­gaged within the next year.

My par­ents are tra­di­tional and have a big prob­lem with me mov­ing in with my boyfriend be­fore we’re (at least) en­gaged.

They like him but they can’t un­der­stand why, after five years, he can’t pro­pose.

I tried to ex­plain that, in our so­cial net­work, al­most ev­ery­one moves in with se­ri­ous boyfriends/girl­friends be­fore get­ting en­gaged and, for us, it’s the “new nor­mal” pro­gres­sion of re­la­tion­ships. I know my par­ents want the best for me, but I don’t agree with their opin­ion, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Dear Frus­trated: You and your co­hort did not in­vent mov­ing in to­gether be­fore mar­riage. Your par­ents’ gen­er­a­tion did that. You are also not a “girl.” You are a woman. By now you should be emo­tion­ally, fi­nan­cially and ac­tu­ally out on your own.

Your par­ents have the right to their opin­ions, but I think you should say (to your­self ), “OK boomer,” and live your life the way you want to.

Dear Amy: I ap­pre­ci­ated a re­cent quote you ran from the Dalai Lama. Un­for­tu­nately, your mis­spelling de­tracted from the mes­sage. It’s Dalai, not “Dali,” as you had it.

Dear Proof­reader: I apol­o­gize for the er­ror. It’s ironic, be­cause I’ve just started read­ing “The Dalai Lama: An Ex­tra­or­di­nary Life,” by Alexan­der Nor­man (on sale in Fe­bru­ary).

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