Boyfriend be­lieves he’s bi­sex­ual

Orlando Sentinel - - LOCAL & STATE -

Dear Amy: I have been with my cur­rent boyfriend for a year. Af­ter hit­ting it off at a party, he im­me­di­ately asked me out. He seemed very into me dur­ing the ini­tial dat­ing phase, and then we made it of­fi­cial in April.

Half­way through the sum­mer he ad­mit­ted to me that, based on his “be­hav­ior with guys at par­ties,” he thought he was bi­sex­ual. Although he says he has never been in a re­la­tion­ship with a man, or (ap­par­ently) had sex with a man, he claimed that his feel­ings to­ward men had been in­creas­ing and leav­ing him feel­ing over­whelmed with erotic fan­tasies.

I can’t help but feel duped by the fact that he waited to tell me this un­til I told him I loved him.

He has been yo-yo-ing be­tween want­ing to be in a re­la­tion­ship with me and break­ing up, be­cause he says he doesn’t know whether he could pur­sue a long-term re­la­tion­ship with any­one un­til he knew more about his sex­u­al­ity.

In the past, we have spo­ken about mov­ing in to­gether. We have even spec­u­lated about what our chil­dren might look like. We have also spo­ken about break­ing up to en­able him to ex­plore his sex­u­al­ity. I would find be­ing in an open re­la­tion­ship emo­tion­ally de­struc­tive.

I don’t know whether en­cour­ag­ing him to stay with me is self­ish, as it is not al­low­ing him the space to dis­cover who he re­ally is. I am lost, hurt, con­fused, and I don’t know what to do. What’s your take? Am I be­ing too close-minded?

You don’t sound close-minded, and you don’t sound par­tic­u­larly self­ish. You sound like some­one who is try­ing hard to be in a steady and monog­a­mous re­la­tion­ship with a man who is telling you that he wants (and needs) to ex­plore.

You two are headed in op­po­site di­rec­tions. You are think­ing about co­hab­it­ing and babies, and he is think­ing about ... a lot of other things, most of which seem to point him to­ward other peo­ple and other re­la­tion­ships.

You do not have the op­tion of forc­ing him to stay with you. Nor should you co­erce him to stay with you. You need to let him go, and — be­cause be­ing in an open re­la­tion­ship wouldn’t be healthy for you — you should love and sup­port him as a friend while he fig­ures out who he is and what he wants.

Dear Amy: I pride my­self on be­ing a good lis­tener.

While not a fast talker, my speech pat­tern is not halt­ing. How­ever, I have sev­eral friends who fin­ish my sen­tences along with me and/or cut me off to talk about what­ever they want.

I feel dis­missed by these ac­tions. I have han­dled their fin­ish­ing my sen­tences by say­ing, “Oh my God, that is ex­actly what I was go­ing to say” or, “Nope, that is not what I was go­ing to say,” which leads them to guess, out loud. When they cut me off, I let them have their say and con­tinue on with “Is it OK if I con­tinue with what I was talk­ing about?”

Yet the be­hav­ior con­tin­ues. These are good peo­ple with good man­ners, but I am made to feel in­vis­i­ble by their ac­tions. What is your ad­vice to help me get my mes­sage across?

Dear Dis­missed: You’ve been pa­tient and po­lite, as you have waited out these in­ter­rup­tions from your friends. You might kindly help them to re­frain from en­gag­ing in this very bad habit. And they likely do this to other peo­ple.

When some­one talks over you, you might raise your hand: “Oops, you’re in­ter­rupt­ing me. You’re talk­ing over me. Do me a fa­vor and let me fin­ish my thought, OK?”

Tell your friends, “I’m go­ing to do a bet­ter job of NOT be­ing in­vis­i­ble, but I need your help. I’m go­ing to stop you when you in­ter­rupt me. I sin­cerely be­lieve that this will help all of us to com­mu­ni­cate bet­ter.”

Dear Amy: “Frus­trated Mil­len­nial” didn’t like her old-fash­ioned par­ents’ views. I could not be­lieve my eyes when you sug­gested that she say, “OK Boomer!”

That is dis­mis­sive and of­fen­sive to an en­tire gen­er­a­tion!

Dear Up­set: First of all, I sug­gested that she say this to her­self. Sec­ond, I think the baby boom gen­er­a­tion (to which I be­long) should ac­cept this trend with a rue­ful smile. It has been ever thus.

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