Elop­ers get a taste for wed­ding cake

Orlando Sentinel - - LOCAL & STATE -

Dear Amy: My hus­band and I re­cently eloped to avoid all of the wed­ding drama, stress, ex­pense and hub­bub.

We are in our 30s, and we are the last of our friends to get mar­ried.

We did not share our en­gage­ment on so­cial me­dia and in­stead told peo­ple if we ran into them in per­son. This, how­ever, led to some peo­ple find­ing out months later and then maybe feel­ing hurt or less im­por­tant.

We chose to elope five months af­ter get­ting en­gaged and did not tell many friends. We did not even tell our par­ents.

Since get­ting mar­ried, how­ever, we have not re­ceived many con­grat­u­la­tions — not even text mes­sages con­grat­u­lat­ing us. I guess this is be­cause we eloped, but I thought that some of our clos­est friends would at least reach out or send a card.

Am I be­ing un­rea­son­able? Do I want to have my (no wed­ding) cake and eat it, too?

I am usu­ally the friend who throws par­ties, and now I am feel­ing a lit­tle hurt that not one friend felt the need to cel­e­brate us. Al­though a few peo­ple keep sug­gest­ing that we should throw our own party, this seems like toot­ing our own horn.

Did we miss out? Shouldn’t peo­ple cel­e­brate us? news of your elope­ment to share.

You have every right to get mar­ried any way you want to, and that in­cludes pri­vately and se­cretly. Many peo­ple hap­pily choose to marry pri­vately, and for some it is ideal.

But when you aren’t open about your plans, you create a bar­rier around your per­sonal world. Your friends and fam­ily most likely as­sume that you two are in­tensely pri­vate peo­ple and that you don’t want your re­la­tion­ship to be no­ticed, re­marked upon or fussed over.

If you want to be con­grat­u­lated, then an­nounce your mar­riage — on so­cial me­dia, through a writ­ten an­nounce­ment sent through the mail or a group email. In­clude a photo (if you have one) of the two of you on your wed­ding day. And be­cause you two seem to want to cel­e­brate, you should host a night out (it could be as sim­ple as a meet-up at your fa­vorite bar) to an­nounce your sta­tus and al­low peo­ple to toast you.

Dear Amy: I dated a guy for a cou­ple of months a while back. His wife died a few years prior to us meet­ing, but he still re­ferred to her as his wife. It was a lit­tle hard to hear — not only be­cause she was dead, but I found out that they were in the process of di­vorc­ing when she died.

Re­cently I started talk­ing with another guy who did the same thing. We talked into the late night on our first date and he men­tioned his “wife” sev­eral times, even though they have been di­vorced for eight years now.

Should I let these guys re­fer to their exes as their “wives”? Am I be­ing too de­mand­ing in ask­ing them to re­fer to them as their ex-wife?

Dear Wife Ma­te­rial: Ask­ing a wid­ower to re­fer to his de­ceased wife as his “ex-wife” ... lacks com­pas­sion at the very least. Yes, he could have re­ferred to her as his “late wife,” but, ac­cord­ing to you, they were still mar­ried when she died, so she would not be an ex-wife.

Over­all, un­less you are in a se­ri­ous re­la­tion­ship with some­one, you re­ally don’t have the right to con­trol his ver­biage re­gard­ing cur­rent (or for­mer) fam­ily mem­bers.

Dear Amy: As some­one who has worked the front desk at a ho­tel in a metropoli­tan area for nine years, I would like to of­fer a re­sponse to “Stressed Server.”

When an un­happy guest raises their voice and/or speaks abu­sively to me, I take a deep breath, wait for them to fin­ish their rant and then tell them, “I’m sorry, I don’t like the way you are speak­ing to me. When you can speak in a calm voice, I will help you.” It’s a good idea to prac­tice this speech at home so you can say it with au­thor­ity.

Dear Seen It: “Stressed Server” was re­spond­ing to on­line rat­ings, but I ap­pre­ci­ate your ad­vice for in­per­son in­ter­ac­tions.

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