Brother estranged over late dad’s gift
Dear Readers: Because of syndication scheduling, I write and submit my columns two weeks in advance of publication. Due to this time lag, the Q&A’s will not reflect the latest information about the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic we are facing.
Dear Amy: For years before my dad died, he repeatedly told his four adult kids that he would leave his (small, rundown) family home to Brother
No. 1. Sister and I agreed with him, as this brother had need of it (low-income, with children) and the rest of us didn’t.
Brother No. 2 was livid and hasn’t spoken to us for three years. (By the way, he is wealthy and had no need for the home.)
Fast-forward to now. Brother No. 1 (now in the house) has a seriously ill newborn. I flew home from Europe; Sister traveled across the country to be there.
We did school runs, grocery shopping, etc. to allow my brother and his wife to spend time in the hospital. (The baby is still in the hospital, but is getting better.) Brother No. 2 — who lives 15 minutes away — did nothing. He sent a short text message when my brother told him about this health crisis, but no phone call, no offer to help — nothing!
I respect Brother No. 2’s wishes, and I try not to judge him. Yet, I am astonished that even a gravely ill newborn didn’t elicit a different response.
Now, I am starting to judge him. I think that he’s just a jerk and not worth a moment’s further thought.
I don’t like having something akin to hate on my heart. Am I missing a way forward here?
Dear Brother: One way forward would be for you to reach out in a more proactive way, where you would be hopeful of receiving some clarity, while remaining realistic about a murky outcome.
You could send an openended communication: “Hey, I’m in town with Graham and his family. Their little newborn is still in the hospital. Can we talk while I’m here?”
Your brother will either not respond at all, or he will wait until just before you leave and then give you a brief, noncommittal response. Then you can ask, “Are you OK? Is there something going on that you could tell me about?”
He may respond to these nonjudgmental queries in a way that gives you more to go on. When people withdraw and don’t explain why, it is tempting to jump to the harshest conclusion. You can certainly write off your brother as a selfish jerk, but you might as well wait until you have at least tried to connect.
Dear Amy: A former coworker has moved into my area and wants to have a friendly relationship with my husband and me.
We had lunch one time, and my husband and I were uncomfortable with the conversation.
Politically, this person is conservative and vocal. We are not.
We have had no contact for many months until yesterday when I received an email saying they would like to get together “sooner rather than later.”
How can I tactfully decline and not hurt their feelings?
Dear Wondering: Many months after seeing you one time, this person has reached out and expressed the desire to get together at some point. They are not issuing a specific invitation or even asking a question, but basically putting out a vague feeler.
If you don’t want to forge a relationship, you can start the distancing process by not replying quickly. Wait a few days and respond with a noncommittal, “I’m so happy spring has finally sprung! I hope you’re doing well and adjusting to life here.”
If they issue a specific invitation, you could respond by saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think that would work out. I wish you all the best, but we don’t seem to have much in common to build an active friendship upon.”
Dear Amy: I was so cheered reading your “Best of ” column devoted to the stuffed animals from childhood that many of us have carried with us through life. Coincidentally, this column was published on the day that news of the coronavirus pandemic broke. It comforted me during a tough time.
Dear Comforted: I wish I still had my childhood “Teddy.”