Hairdresser has taken business underground
Experts have been cranking out coronavirus projection models for weeks. Perhaps none struck as much fear as this one:
“In eight weeks, 88% of blondes will disappear from the earth.”
Okay, it wasn’t really a model by World Health Organization. It was a jokester’s meme.
I thought it was funny, but I gave up on my appearance years ago. Many Americans have not, and that has made living in a shutdown world extra miserable.
“When you look in the mirror, you want to feel good,” Julie said.
Julie’s not her real name. I can’t divulge her identity because she’s afraid the Shutdown Police might throw her in jail if they discovered her operation.
It’s located inside a threestory office building near a deserted theme park. If you knock on the right door, someone will let you in.
You’ll slink down a quiet hallway and hang a quick right into a studio. A woman wearing a mask will be waiting.
“Please, have a seat,” she’ll say.
It’s Julie. She’s a hairdresser.
Try not to cry.
“I had a client who had tears in her eyes,” Julie said. “She said, ‘I can’t believe you took me in. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
That woman spoke for untold millions of blondes, brunettes and redheads — men and women alike. Instead of looking in the mirror the past few weeks and feeling good, people have looked in the mirror and felt like Keith Richards.
They’ve grown desperate for a hairstyling fix, but most of the 400,000 hairdressers, hair stylists and barbers in the U.S. have had to hang up their scissors during the pandemic. They are not considered “essential” businesses.
Forget Bad Hair Days. America is suffering Bad Hair Months.
But like speakeasies during Prohibition, some independent operators have gone underground to ease the anguish. And it’s not just the hair industry skirting the rules.
Around the country, scores of tattoo parlors, nail salons, vape shops, car washes and even churches have been cited for violating stay-at-home orders.
So have hundreds of people who were looking for “nonessential” services. There haven’t been many reported violations in Central Florida, though that doesn’t mean they’re not happening.
Vendors need the money. Their clients need the fix.
The government isn’t persuaded.
That plight has turned respectable, law-abiding citizens into borderline outlaws. Orange County’s stay-at-home order threatened people with $500 fines and six months in jail if they engaged in nonessential activities.
Picture this conversation the county jail:
“What are you in for?” “Attempted armed robbery. What about you?
“Attempting to get a perm.”
The county’s stay-athome order expired April 9. It was superseded by a state order that doesn’t mention penalties or fines. Ron DeSantis did not ease restrictions on hair salons when he announced the first phase of business reopenings Wednesday.
Julie’s not sure what would happen if a modernday Eliot Ness busted her operation. But it’s not as if she’s oblivious to health concerns.
When Julie puts on her face shield, she looks more like a welder than a hairdresser. She slathers her studio in disinfectant between appointments. You could eat off the countertop.
Julie shut down everything in mid-March, but she kept getting texts and phone calls pleading for her to do a little business on the sly.
“I think, for a woman, it’s way more than just looking good,” she said, “and I’m not just saying that as a hairdresser.”
Julie was stuck at her house in a T-shirt and shorts. Nobody was around. But still, she hated to look in the mirror.
“I couldn’t stand looking like a bum,” Julie said. “It’s important to feel good, especially when you’re isolated.”
That’s apparently lost on the leaders of this great country. We look for them to be examples in times of crisis, and what have we seen when it comes to hair?
Donald Trump’s noggin has remained impeccably coiffed and orange. And if you believe Nancy Pelosi hasn’t seen a hairdresser, I have some swampland in Wuhan to sell you.
Shouldn’t the average person get the same leeway? And it’s not just women who are in a hair funk.
“A guy is pickier than a girl,” Julie said. “Some don’t care, but a lot care how their hair is going to fall and if the part is exactly where it’s supposed to be.”
And color is on everyone’s mind. That joke/estimate that 88% of blondes are chemically created is made up, but there’s no doubt a lot of people are worried their true colors are starting to show.
“I read an article that said the next thing that will disappear from the shelves, now that toilet paper is back, is hair color (packages),” Julie said.
I won’t say what shade Julie’s hair is, but it’s not quite the same as it was two weeks ago.
“I came in here and did my color,” Julie said, “just to feel good.”
That’s a feeling we could all use more of these days. So note to those who have forced an essential industry to become a black market:
Whatever color your hair is, you’re acting like an airhead.