Dad yearns to help children mom left
Dear Amy: Four years ago, I had a serious workrelated accident. I was getting ready for my fourth surgery. It was a risky procedure, and there was a good chance I might never walk again. I was terrified.
Before my surgery, my wife left, which in itself was hard, but she abandoned her four children too. Three of them were my stepchildren (they were biologically hers).
The years since she left have been extremely difficult because three of our children stayed with me and the fourth moved in with their biological father. My surgery went well. It took a long time, but I can walk again.
My biggest worry has always been the kids, though. My ex-wife ignores all of them. They are so angry at her, and I don’t want them to carry that anger and resentment, because that’s how I have been my whole life. I want them to be happy.
I give them all the love I have, but their mother’s abandonment has been devastating to them. I don’t care about the pain she caused me, but my children want their mother.
It rips me apart that she only calls them every four or five weeks, and only sees them once or twice a year.
I’m just an old, broken man that could really use some advice.
— Broken Heart
Dear Broken: For you to help your children, it is vital that you find ways to become less broken. Your physical recovery is a triumph. Now you need to continue to expand and demonstrate your emotional resilience.
From your narrative, it seems that your ex’s reprehensible behavior has become a defining experience for you. But it’s not. What you are doing now — steadfastly parenting through this storm — this is what defines you!
You have to show your kids that life does go on and that you and they have some control over what happens next. I hope you will build a legacy of positive and hopeful experiences that become the defining next chapters. Build friendships with other adults. Other successful single parents will help to show you the way.
You might also explore the possibility of legally adopting your stepchildren, so that they will always know that you belong together. Changing your legal status to “Dad” might help all of you to move on together as a family.
Dear Amy: I have been married for five years. We have two boys. While we’ve had typical ups and downs, we are happy.
In high school, I had a serious boyfriend for three years. It was an emotionally abusive and unhealthy relationship for me. However, for the last year and a half, I have had dreams about this high school boyfriend every night!
Some dreams are a bit steamy, but most of them are like clips from an unlived life. We’re doing daily tasks in our home, spending time with his family, going out with friends.
The kicker is, I’m so happy in these dreams! My rational mind knows that there were few positive aspects to this relationship, but what gives? A dream or two is one thing, but 18 months of them!?
— Confused Dreamer
Dear Dreamer: Our subconscious sometimes emerges during dreams to help us resolve issues in our waking lives. I suggest that you start writing down your dreams each day in order to look for patterns that you could interpret. The act of writing will help you to recall specifics in your dreamscape.
My own interpretation is that you might feel guilty for staying in such an unhealthy relationship for so long. Rewriting the old script (exploring the “unlived life”) might be your mind’s way of trying to prompt an attitude of acceptance and forgiveness toward your younger self.
The fact that you are having these dreams every night without resolution is cause for concern. A psychologist could help you to turn the corner and dream differently.
Dear Amy: “Sheltering in Wisconsin” expressed a coronavirus-related concern, and you advised her to “wipe” shared handles with disinfectant. These disinfectant wipes may not be as useful as you think in containing the virus.
— Concerned
Dear Concerned: IfI were concerned about transmission from a doorknob, I would open the door using the wipe itself, in order to avoid direct contact.