Expectant mom worries about shower

Dear Amy: My husband and I are expecting our first baby, due in October. This will be my only child due to my age and because the pregnancy has been medically complicated.

I was initially excited to have a baby shower, but now I’m concerned about the health of family and friends, as well as myself and my unborn child.

Many of my family members are older and at higher risk for having serious complications from COVID-19. Some of them would not be willing to wear masks; and most of my family would not be computer savvy enough to do a video-call shower.

Maintaining proper etiquette is important to me; do you have any suggestions for how I can still enjoy this momentous event with a shower and keep everyone safe?

I feel it would be terribly tacky to just send out information and/or links to my baby registry without a shower. I also feel sad at the prospect of missing out on spending time with my extended family. We are a close-knit group.

Dear Expectant: You should definitely follow your judgment. This is one of many important decisions you will make as a new parent.

Because you say etiquette is important to you, you should understand that “old-school” rules dictate that you should not host this shower for yourself. A friend or relative normally steps in to organize and host, timing it for the month before your due date.

I have heard of many

“remote” showers that seem to work out well — the basic concept is that you receive gifts that are shipped to you, and then you start the shower at an arranged time, with your guests joining you remotely as you and your husband open these gifts.

It might be fun for you (or your host) to send your special remote guests an invitation along with a tea cup (or an inexpensive wine glass), with the directions to “join” you at a specific date and time via video conference or phone.

The host of the shower would send directions for how to do this, as well as contact information for anyone with questions.

AARP.org offers an online tutorial on how to use this technology; even people with landlines can join by phone, and although they might not get video, they could still participate.

Dear Amy: I wanted to add to your advice to “Sad on the West Coast.” This person was reflecting on a two-year-old dispute, where her husband blew up at a neighbor. She said her husband had apologized, but the matter was far from settled.

I’m a longtime member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What I teach the people I sponsor about “making amends” (Step 9) — and what I practice myself — is that there are three parts to a good amends: 1. Tell them what you did (in other words, take responsibility); 2. Ask them if you left anything out, or if there is anything they want to say to you; and 3. Ask them how you can set things right and, if it is reasonable, do it. I’ve had good success over the years using this process.

By the way, an apology (saying “I’m sorry”) may or may not be what someone wants to hear. Often, it just tells them how you feel but does not involve taking responsibility. And, of course, we hear way too many “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” types of “apologies.”

Dear D: This is so helpful. Guided by lessons I’ve learned in this space, I recently took responsibility and apologized to someone for something I said, and frankly, the person seemed stunned. I was reminded of how powerful an apology can be.

I believe that good apologies are relationshipbuilders, because they are personally challenging and convey vulnerability, humility and intimacy.

Dear Amy: I had two years of Spanish in high school. A few years later, as a nurse, I knew enough words to evaluate my patients’ basic needs.

Over the years, I found that any attempt to communicate in a foreign language, albeit limited, was appreciated by persons who went about their work, frequently ignored because they didn’t speak English.

Dear Bilingual: Communicating the concept “I see you” is powerful.