Woman learns he said he won’t marry

Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship with a man for 10 years. He is 71 and lives in another state (50 miles away), and I am 70. I am divorced, and he has never been married. We both own our homes.

When I had a job in another state, I would come home on weekends, and he would come to my house on Friday and leave on Sunday.

We spent most weekends and holidays together and went on vacations (all at my expense because he lives on a low, fixed income, and I make much more money than he does).

Since I retired in October, he is perfectly content to keep our previous arrangement intact. He does not stay any longer than Sunday unless we have plans for Sunday night or go on vacation together.

I want to spend more time with him, but on Sundays, he seems anxious to return to his hometown.

He is retired, and when he gets home, he spends his time hanging out at barbershops with his friends.

When we are together, he seems content with our relationship, and we talk on the phone often.

I recently learned from a confidential reliable source that he was asked when he and I are going to marry. He replied, “Never. I have loved only one woman in my life, and if I didn’t marry her, I will never marry.”

I was devastated to hear this because he knows I want to marry him.

Should I confront him with what I have learned or keep quiet as if I don’t know what he has said?

Dear Anonymous: Let’s recap: You have been in this relationship for 10 years. Ten. Years. A decade.

You sound like a successful, smart, independent woman. Logic would tell you that a never-married man who reaches the age of 70 without marrying (and spending 10 years with you without marrying) would remain unmarried. And that a man who loves his own home and Monday-to-Fridaybarbershop-hang time would either invite you to join him or would continue to enjoy this arrangement alone, because it works for him.

You have now heard that your guy has loved only one woman in his life — and presumably that woman is not you.

You seem to have surrendered your own rights in this relationship. I’m talking about the right to use your voice, the right to ask questions, the right to state — out loud — what you want, and the right to leave a relationship if it doesn’t serve your needs.

Dear Amy: We adore our two college-age nieces and have always supported them as equally as possible.

However, their needs are now different, as the older one is starting med school. With tuition and housing costs, she will need family support for at least four more years to help keep her debt down.

Her sister will soon complete her undergrad degree and does not plan to continue her education at this time.

It has been our intent to help both girls as long as they are in school, but this will create a vastly different amount of money needed by each. Another relative plans to give them an equal dollar amount in order to remain fair.

Are both of our views equally valid, or is it unfair for us to give one girl so much more?

Dear Doting: In my opinion, both of your positions are valid — because you are all adults, it is your money, and you have the right to spend it as you wish.

You have decided to support your nieces throughout their higher education. Both women know this, and presumably, if your younger niece chooses to go to grad school at some point in the future, you would consider granting her some financial support at that time.

Dear Amy: Like “Pandemic Pandemonium,” I am struggling with a spouse whose hygiene and habits have changed a lot over the last few months. In my case, it is my husband. Honestly, if it weren’t for occasional Zoom meetings, I don’t think he would bathe. Ever.

Dear Holding: I hope you can talk to him about this. Letting things slide is (I believe) a normal and human response to isolation, but your husband is not the only person in the household. As with “Pandemic’s” wife, my concern would also be about his mental health.