Grief for children is painful, real condition
“Even the littlest of hearts can feel the deepest pain.” — Unknown
I’m reminded of my 7-year-old self when I hear this quote. It was the middle of the night when my mother rushed us to the emergency vet. My beautiful cat Pacino (“Pachi” for short) was found in a lethargic state of pain under my bed just minutes earlier. During the entire car ride, I cried and sobbed while praying that God would take my poor cat’s pain away. The sounds of agony coming from my cat’s mouth felt like daggers in my heart.
After waiting several hours, the veterinarian came out to tell us that Pacino had died. He had eaten a metal toggle from one of my mother’s bracelets. The metal substance poisoned him.
My mom made professional jewelry at the time and must have accidentally overlooked this toggle on the table when cleaning up.
Pacino. Is. Dead. Over 20 years later I still remember how hard those three words hit me. I immediately went into a rage of denial. Pacino was my first pet. In my young mind, he was my baby. I had just lost my baby and my best friend. “This can’t really be happening,” was all my little mind could think. In the months following Pachi’s death I questioned a lot of things. I questioned why God would take away something so precious in my life. I questioned why my mother didn’t clean up her jewelry making kit better. I questioned why the vet couldn’t do anything to save Pachi. I questioned myself for not looking after my cat better.
All these questions... and yet none of them led to good answers. I share this somber tale during National Children’s Grief Awareness Month, as a reminder that a small heart doesn’t mean small feelings.
Losing my cat Pacino was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced and my first of many losses to follow in my life. And while I didn’t quite know how to process my feelings at that time, in retrospect, I can say it was the love and support from friends and family around me that really made the difference in my ability to heal.
Yes, I felt angry. Yes, I felt sad. Yes, I felt betrayed. Yes, I felt guilty. But all of these painful feelings are 100% natural when a child loses a living being that they love. It’s really the love that makes loss so painful. Because without love, my heart wouldn’t have been broken.
I’m reminded of the great quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson: “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I wholeheartedly believe this is true. For as painful as our loss may be, it is the love that really made our experience worth it.
All those days of snuggly cuddles on the couch together, the excitement of seeing Pachi play with his feather toy, the warmth my heart felt listening to his purr as I’d fall asleep each night... it’s these love-infused experiences that made my loss so painful. And love is never something to regret. Love is something to be grateful for. Children may not understand this concept at such a young age, as I didn’t understand at that time. But as a child grows, so does their understanding. And in time, our little hearts will learn to love again.
Adults should pay attention when their child is grieving and help them to understand why they’re feeling the way they do and that it is OK. National Children’s Grief Awareness Month draws attention to many resources that are available to help adults guide their kids through the grieving process (and maybe help themselves, too).
Adults should pay attention when their child is grieving and help them to understand why they’re feeling the way they do and that it is OK.
Kristen Nardolillo is a Cornerstone Hospice Children’s Bereavement Counselor, based out of the Tavares office. Information about Cornerstone’s Kids, a free program that helps children through their experience with grief, is available at www. CornerstonesKids.org or by calling 866742-6655.