Discovering a new phenomenon

I quite literally by accident discovered a new phenomenon. While my discovery likely won’t be as impactful on the world we live in as say Vaseline, super glue, bubble gum, Teflon, vulcanized rubber, corn flakes, insulin, penicillin, Viagra, Play- doh, LSD, microwave ovens or Velcro, all of which were discovered by accident, it does explain the previously inexplicable.

It may not even be as important as our recent understanding of why when we walk from room to the next, we forget why we were walking into that other room in the first place: Invisible aliens live in doorways observing us and wiping our memories when pass through the arch. But I do believe it will explain, well, a lot.

I wasn’t trying to solve a scientific mystery when I made the discovery. In fact, I was just cleaning out our large chest freezer and baking a post-Thanksgiving pumpkin pie pumpkin when it all started.

While the freezer is “frost- free” it does build up some funky, funky frost anyway so once a year I empty the whole thing, defrost it and reorganize. I wouldn’t say it’s a fun job, but it is satisfying, and I never fail to find some long lost or forgotten items. This year’s treasures included an ancient and freezer burned broken to bits pizza; three quart- freezer bags filled with a brown something with darker brown chunks that may possibly have once been a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away something someone may have wanted to eat; and three pairs of unopened panty hose. Ahhh, so that’s where I put them! Mystery solved.

On a quick side note, my beloved husband is always quite relieved that, so far, when we’ve cleaned the freezer no bodies have ever been found. As he points out while it is unlikely “you just never know. I do live with Kyra.” (Just for the record, I would never hide a body in my own freezer.)

So back to the prelude to discovery. Once I empty the freezer into various ice chests, I place two five- gallon buckets into the empty space, pour boiling water into them, shut the lid and allow the steam to do its thing. Easy peasy.

I was at the last step when it all when to heck in a handbasket. The freezer lid was open, the buckets were empty and I was approaching with a huge stock kettle full of boiling water when suddenly the kettle and water leapt out of my hands, straight up into the air, flipped over and came down. I hadn’t tripped, stumbled, bumped or bungled anything. It just happened.

My first discovery was that the best incentive to get your clothes off quickly is not a hot date, it’s having boiling water spill all down your side and puddle in your shoes. My second discovery was that if you just keep screaming you won’t faint. My third discovery was that I can fit my entire right leg from flabby white butt to chunky thigh and all the way down to my toes in an ice chest.

It was there, naked from the waist down, a quarter of me buried in frozen lamb parts, gasping and screaming my head off that my beloved found me.

“Did you fall? Did you slip? Did you trip? Are you OK? What happened?”

To the first three I shook my head furiously in response. I had not slipped, tripped or fallen. Then, none too graciously I’m ashamed to say, I retorted, “Do I look OK? I’m outside, naked from the waist down, kneeling in an ice chest of frozen meat for God and all the world to see. No, no, no I am most definitely not OK.” “What happened?” And that’s when it struck me. I had discovered a new phenomenon: “Gravity reflux!” “What?”

“Gravity reflux! A flowing back of gravity that in this instance sent a pot of boiling water into the air then, all down my side.”

“Gravity reflux? There’s no such thing.” “Is to.”

By the time my ever patient husband got me out of the ice chest, onto the sofa, packed my leg and foot with real ice packs and given me two aspirin, it was time to take the pie out of the oven which he did then …

I heard a crash, a yelp and a string of swear words.

Now it was my turn to ask, “Did you fall? Did you slip? Did you trip? Are you OK? What happened?”

“No. No. No. No. The pie leapt out of my hands, straight up into the air, flipped over and came down on my hand and arm.”

Ahhhh, the sweet taste not of pumpkin spice but rather of independent verification by peer review leading to the indisputable conclusion that yes, gravity ref lux really is a thing.