Insecure wife blames herself for insecurity

DEAR AMY » I have been with my husband for 13 years. I have always been very insecure.

It makes me paranoid when he texts other women, even if it’s just friendly.

I check his phone and see that he has deleted texts. This really bothers me, but he says he does it because it bothers me when he texts other women, even when there is nothing bad in the texts. That’s true.

I have made a very bad situation in my marriage. My husband is exasperated by my behavior. I don’t know how to help my insecurities. They are irrational. I know that but it gets in my head to check his phone.

I did stop checking for a while when I got into a good spot in my head. But recently I did it again. I feel like I am fighting a battle with myself and I don’t know how to win. Why do I get this urge? How do I stop it?

And how do I fix the damage I have done to my marriage?

— My Own Worst Enemy

DEAR MOWE » You and your husband are in a loop. Marriage counseling would be a great idea for both of you.

However, you take full responsibility, and it seems to me that your husband definitely plays his part.

The common and often suggested solution when there is suspicion in a relationship is for full transparency.

You wouldn’t be triggered into your unhealthy phone-checking if your husband simply shared these conversations with you: “Sharon said the funniest thing about a movie she just saw. It’s hilarious. Check it out...”

If you are secretly checking his phone and he knows it, he should bring this communication into the realm of your relationship and hand his phone to you.

You say that you recently stopped checking his phone — “when you got into a good spot,” but I suggest that you might have gotten into a good spot because you had stopped checking his phone. The behavior itself triggers your insecurity.

You can both consciously alter your behavior in order to be full and trusting partners.

DEAR AMY » “Empty Nest” wanted to host international college students for Thanksgiving dinner.

I grew up in a college town, and my parents always did this!

Honestly, I didn’t always love basically giving up my own “seat at the table” for Thanksgiving but looking back I think it was really generous of my folks to feed and host these students who didn’t have anywhere else to go on that day.

— Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL » Sharing with others honors the spirit of that feast day.