Oroville Mercury-Register

Welcome to California; that’ll be $200


Hi, welcome to California, I will be your guide on this tour.

If you look out your window you will see the awe inspiring homeless camps with junkies doing what junkies do. Over there, you see some folks taking whatever they want from the local CVS, and sorry about all the bumps from potholes on this tour, our roads are in terrible shape.

Oh, and you don’t want to miss the beautiful smoke filled sky above. Look to your right and you will see a maniac assaulting some poor old woman in broad daylight, do not be alarmed, crime has been decriminal­ized here so it’s alright, it’s the old woman’s fault for wanting to go anywhere on foot.

We may run out of gas on this tour but won’t be able to afford to fill up at $5 a gallon, so you may have to walk the rest of the way. And sorry we had to charge you each $200 for this tour, our insurance rates are the highest in the country, so we had to cover the costs by passing it on to you. And notice the two bedroom house for sale, it is only 750K, a real bargain.

Our final stop on this tour is our governor’s mansion, sorry we cannot get anywhere near it, he has armed security, fences, and locked gates.

— Adam Ghiorso, Chico

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