Sisters should lay their problems to rest

DEAR AMY » My mother died last year, during the worst of the pandemic.

My sister asked me to come to our hometown to help clean out Mom’s house, and to stay for the funeral service.

This would have involved taking time off work, flying, staying in a hotel, and interacting with strangers — all several states away.

My husband has breathing problems, and I didn’t want to risk it, so I told her no. I also mentioned that most of Mom’s friends are elderly and that having a service would put them at risk.

My sister didn’t want to hear that, and accused me of being selfish and lazy, and of leaving all the work to her. She said I was only thinking of the money from the sale of Mom’s house. Needless to say, we haven’t spoken since.

Fast-forward to this year. My sister is (once again) planning a funeral service.

I could fly up, stay for the service and head home the next day — but that would mean interacting with my sister.

We have never gotten along, and I don’t see what this will accomplish.

Should I stay or should I go? — Forlorn

DEAR FORLORN » You and your sister aren’t speaking, but you have learned about her plans to hold a service for your mother. Perhaps there are ways you’re communicating (through others, or through social media) without actually talking to one another.

Given the way this seems to be playing out, if you don’t go, your sister will continue to reschedule your mother’s funeral until you actually make it there.

Unless you sincerely believe that attending would present an undue health risk to you and/or your husband (check CDC. gov for current COVID updates), you should go. Why? Because it is your mother, and it is time to lay her to rest.

I hope you and your sister could also lay your differences to rest.

According to your own account, you offered your sister no support — physical or emotional — after your mother’s death.

You should ask yourself if there are things you both might have done differently, and then you should promise yourself to do those things differently during your 24 hours home.

DEAR AMY » The letter from “Hurting Mom” certainly brought back some painful memories for me. She was concerned about her husband’s overprotective and intrusive parenting toward their daughter (he routinely reads her email).

My mother was like that! And just as you predicted, this hovering and interference delayed my own problem-solving skills. I was a mess until I broke free.

— Free at Last

DEAR FREE » It turns out that your mother was the problem you needed to solve.