Where there is a will, there is no way

DEAR AMY » My husband’s narcissistic father died by suicide three months ago. After over 25 years of our adult life dealing with his childish, nasty, out-of-proportion reactions to our lifestyle and family values, we created boundaries for him within our family.

It infuriated him that he could not control us with money in order to get us to adore him.

He wrote my husband out of his will and left his estate to my husband’s siblings.

This was a pain that you cannot know unless it is done to you.

Is it naive of us to think that his siblings would each give up a percentage of their inheritance to make my husband whole and even things out?

His father had dysfunctional relationships and rifts with all of his children at different times throughout his life.

It is not about the monetary value of the inheritance; it is about doing what is natural as siblings.

If offered a share, my husband would give his portion to charity.

How do we have a relationship with these greedy people who continue their father’s legacy of manipulation and of dangling money in exchange for adoration? — Upset

DEAR UPSET » Based on what you say, these siblings are NOT dangling money in front of you and your husband. They are simply choosing to keep money that was left to them.

I do not think it is particularly “natural” for siblings to share an inheritance with an estranged family member, especially if your husband had completely exited from a relationship with their father. So yes, you are being naïve.

You might also rethink your definition of “greed,” as it applies to this situation. Greed is wanting what others have. That definition might apply to you.

Presumably, these siblings endured their father’s mental illness and suicide from a closer perspective than your husband did, and whether their motivation was a financial or filial one — they may feel that they’ve already paid dearly for every penny they’ve inherited.

Even though it is the opposite of your stated intent, you and your husband seem to be letting his father’s money control you. It’s time to let go.

Having a family member die by suicide initiates a kind of grief like no other; my recommendation would be for your husband to talk this through with a counselor. Coming to terms with his own confusion, anger, guilt, and longstanding heartache would be the way for him to become “whole.”

DEAR AMY » “Expecting” said that her late-life pregnancy caused her husband to accuse her of infidelity.

Amy, in your answer, you didn’t even address the fact that Expecting’s husband had had a vasectomy! Hello! How could he get her pregnant? — You Missed It

DEAR MISSED IT » Vasectomy failure is extremely rare, but it does happen. In this case, DNA proved that “Expecting’s” husband had fathered the baby.