Oroville Mercury-Register

Traumatize­d veteran seeks healing


DEAR AMY >> I’m a 41-yearold man. My wife is 34.

We’ve been married for 15 years. We have two children, ages 14 and eight.

Our marriage has been difficult, mainly due to my PTSD from Iraq and an opioid addiction. Once I got sober, I shut out the world.

I was an avoidant parent.

My wife stuck with me through all of this, but 18 months ago she confessed to a short-lived affair.

We’ve decided to reconcile. I’ve since changed as far as being avoidant, she’s changed and made great efforts, but I’m so profoundly affected by her affair that I tend to get stuck and have a hard time getting through the day without being angry or sad.

I know I was a crappy husband. She wasn’t perfect either, but this whole thing about her stepping out of that marriage is crushing.

I’m trying to forgive, she’s working hard on everything, and yet I often feel very empty and lonely, as well as angry.

We’ve had counseling for about 14 months, but I feel like I need to find healing for me, not just the marriage.

I’m finding it very difficult. Any advice?


DEAR J >> You are objectivel­y presenting your own challenges and the extreme impact — over many years — on your family. Your wife stuck with you throughout this ordeal. She doesn’t seem to be blaming you for your own extreme challenges, and you seem to be trying very hard not to blame her for hers.

You definitely need healing — for you. You don’t mention what, if any, treatment you’ve had for your PTSD, but I urge you to start, continue, or resume treatment. Ideally this would involve talk therapy with a counselor trained in working with servicemem­bers. Loneliness, emptiness, sadness, isolation, and especially anger are all residual effects of PTSD, and private as well as group counseling with other veterans would help you to continue to heal.

I hope you can see this healing as a process for all of you. And it will take time.

To me, you seem like a fierce and resilient survivor. I hope you can learn to see yourself that way, too.

You can connect with local services for veterans by going through the VA. You can also get immediate help by dialing 988 and pressing 1 to contact the Veterans Crisis Line. A counselor would guide you through the process of finding the best support for you.

(Veterans may still reach the Veterans Crisis Line with the previous phone number: 800-2738255 and press 1, by text at 838255, and through chat on the website: VeteransCr­isisLine.net/Chat).

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